


Cartman X Kyle

by JoyHeart



Category: South Park
Genre: F/M, Humiliation, Humor, Love/Hate, M/M, Minor Character Death, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-31
Updated: 2012-06-09
Packaged: 2017-11-07 09:43:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 21
Words: 24,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/429604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoyHeart/pseuds/JoyHeart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a world where primal hatreds may turn to sexual passions, one yaoi fangirl has the power to tip the balance and send South Park into a spiraling chaos... and she doesn't even need a tin foil costume to do it. Incidently, the yaoi fangirl in question is one Wendy Testaburger and she will NOT let Kyle steal her man! Even IF Stan/Kyle seems the most obvious pairing in South Park, Wendy will simply have to get him paired off with someone else... Cartman and Kyle have that rival thing... it will work! It has to! And so the webshow was born.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Unthinkable

**Author's Note:**

> This was the first South Park fanfiction I ever wrote for fanfiction.net. It holds sentimental value, so I'll put it here too. It was a simpler time, when my ideas were cliche and my average page count on MS Word per chapter was about 4. Not like those 20 page monstrosities I make for Hetalia today. Without further adieu, I hope you enjoy.

### CARTMAN X KYLE I

Some people will tell you that Cartman and Kyle hated each other. This is true.

Some will tell you that this hatred ran so deep, nothing on earth would ever pull the relationship out of the primal stew it sat in. This is also true.

Some will tell you that just as nothing can pull them out of hatred, nothing could shift it either. This is _not_ true. For just as hatred and rage are instincts deeply embedded in the human mind, so too are other things, things such as... sexual desire.

Pull back now dear reader if you are a fluffy Stan x Kyle shipper. If you believe a fat boy to be an ugly boy also I beg you pull back or have at least an open enough mind to know that when it comes to sexual attentions anything can become desirable, be it large breasts or a hairy mole... on a woman or a man...

So begins this tale of homo erotic passion in a love/hate relationship between a fat, racist son of a bitch and a young boy with a red Jewfro...

As the four boys stood at the bus stop, Kenny couldn't help noticing that Cartman had been staring at Kyle's new snow pants for over five minutes now with no signs of stopping. As any young, poor boy who had spent much of his life dying would, he immediately began to bring all the pieces accumulated over the years together. All those he'd seen in those portals the land of the dead had to offer. The constant rants, the making out with his mother's blow-up dolls, the tea parties with his stuffed animals, the Imaginationland trilogy, it all made sense to him in that one glimmering instant. Cartman was gay, gay for Kyle!

Kenny knew what he must do, for the good of this world. He must blurt out this obvious fact so that Cartman would be embarrassed, freak out, deny it, and finally end up either trying to get it on with Kyle and thereby end his sexual frustration or else kill himself. Either way would save this world from destruction. He must speak!

"Mmph, mmph- MMMPH!" Kenny squealed as the bus ran off the road and flattened him. Maniacal laughter came from the bus driver as it regained its place on the road. The door opened revealing Mr. Hat as the driver. Apparently after Ms. Crabtree was killed Mr. Hat made his comeback here. He stared eerily at the children as they got on the bus.

"Oh thanks Mr. Hat, they are new snow pants," Kyle smiled as they three boys got on the bus,. Stan and Kyle were on one seat while Cartman sat with Butters across the row.

" Mr. Hat is a lot cooler when Mr. Garrison isn't around," Stan noted.

"Yeah, Mr. Garrison's lame," Cartman said with a smile, eyes drifting to Kyle's new snow pants again. They were pretty sweet snow pants, black and shiny. In fact they seemed almost form fitting, and very comfortable...

From the seat behind, Wendy noticed Cartman's line of eyesight and tried to determine what it could possibly mean. As a young girl of nine who has access to the internet, she only knew that gay love could exist between two cute guys that hugged each other a lot or else two hot guys that had a rivalry. Cartman and Kyle had hatred, which is different sort of, and Cartman wasn't even hot. So it couldn't be that... couldn't _possibly_ be that...

"Eric, uh, I'm not sure you should be looking at Kyle's snow pants so hard. M-my dad says that makes you into a faggot," Butters mumbled.

"Wha-huh!" Cartman jumped, "N-no! I wasn't staring there Butters! I was just... uh you know, thinking hard about something and my eyes happened to glaze off in that direction, why would I WANT to look at Kyle's ugly-ass snow pants?"

"Hey, my snow pants aren't ugly!" Kyle snapped.

"Yeah, yeah they are! I mean, look how tight they are! They're so tight across your ass, it makes you look like a queer-mo!"

"Don't call me a queer-mo fat ass!"

"Yeah man, not cool" Stan said frowning.

"Don't call me a fat ass, cock sucker!"

"OKAY, THAT'S IT-"

"COCK SUCKING, JEW BOY, SON OF A BITCH, ASS MUNCHING, FAGGOT, QUEER-MO!" Cartman sang and then there was an eerie silence.

"Sorry Mr. Hat," Stan said and they all quieted. Since they headed for school in silence, Wendy had a chance to sit and wonder what all this could mean.

In class, Wendy could not help but stare at the black board blankly, unable to comprehend what she'd just witnessed. Having been subjected to serious yaoi overload ever since her modem speed upgraded she could not help but mull over the possibility that _Cartman_ might like _Kyle_.

_'I mean, by all my figures, if anyone in the class could be paired it would be Kyle and Stan, but... but Stan's MY boyfriend! Kyle can't steal my Stan!'_ Wendy gasped, covering her mouth with her hand. She had to put a stop to this, but Kyle was Stan's best friend, she couldn't simply fly him into the sun. There was only one choice. Although it went against everything her fluffy yaoi fangirl heart directed, she would have to set Kyle up with Cartman. Luckily, she knew just how to do it.

**TBC**


	2. B-B-Break Up?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wendy puts her plan in motion

### CARTMAN X KYLE II

When the class let out for recess Wendy excused herself from Bebe's girl meeting and headed over to where the boys were playing football.

"Oh, hey S-S-S-S-Stan, l-l-looks l-like your g-g-girlffffriend's c-c-c-come, c-c-c-come, c-c-c-coming over to talk to you," Jimmy said pointing with his crutch.

"Oh, hey Wendy, what's up?" Stan asked, walking over to her.

"Oh um, hi Stan. I was wondering if I could talk to Kyle, is that okay?" she asked sweetly. Stan stared.

"With Kyle? W-why do you want to t-talk with Kyle?" Stan managed to stammer out.

"I just do, could you just call him over for me please?"

"Stan we need you on quarterback, are you done talking to Wendy yet?" Kyle yelled from the field.

"No dude, she wants to talk to you for some reason!" Stan called back. Kyle stared.

"With me? Why does she want to talk with me?" he asked loudly across the field.

"I don't know dude, she just does, can you come over here for a second?"

Kyle shrugged and walked over, seeming perplexed. Wendy smiled.

"Stan, could you please go back to the game? I'd like to talk with Kyle alone," she said. Stan's face held a confused look.

"I-uh, I... s-sure. I guess. Yeah," he nodded and walked back, looking over his shoulder as he went and feeling slightly dejected.

"So, uh, what do you want?" Kyle asked after a moment.

Wendy sighed, "Kyle, it's about Cartman."

"Cartman? Oh shit, what's that asshole done now?" Kyle groaned.

"Well nothing yet," Wendy said breathlessly, "but I was just thinking that Cartman's done some really horrible things in the past right? He's only nine, so what will he do when he's twelve, or twenty? We can't allow him to go that far! We could have a nuclear war on our hands!"

"So what can we do, kill him?" he paused, then smiled a little, "Actually..."

"NO! I don't mean kill him! I mean, well, what if all this hatred could be turned? What if somehow, we could... direct it into a different route? Like, maybe all this evilness is actually repressed, uh, sexual tension or something!" Wendy explained her view excitedly.

"S-sexual tension?" Kyle cocked his head to one side, "so what, you're going to go out with Cartman, for the good of humanity, and you want me to help you break up with Stan, is that it?"

" _BREAK UP WITH STAN?_ That's just what you'd _WANT_ to happen _ISN'T_ it you boyfriend stealing f- uh... never mind," Wendy giggled and Kyle cocked his head to one side and one of his eyebrows rose.

"O-kay... well what _is_ your plan?" he asked. 

~~@~~

On the field, Stan missed a pass.

"Break up with Stan? Did she just say break up with Stan?" Stan gasped as Craig jeered from the other team.

~~@~~

"My plan," Wendy said quite seriously, "is for _you_ to go out with Cartman for the good of humanity."

"WHAT?" Kyle shouted, his mouth agape, "are you insane? First of all, I'm not gay, and even if I was Cartman hates me and I hate him! How the hell is THAT supposed to work? At least if you dated Cartman, you've had a little chemistry in the past!"

"Oh sure, one debate project, but you two have a pre-school age friendship! Well, maybe friendship's a bit strong..." Wendy said, noticing Kyle's look, "But you've known each other since then, always interacting and fighting... that's chemistry too! I'm already pretty sure he has sexual feelings for you, even if he himself doesn't realize it, so you HAVE to go out with Cartman so girls don't start pairing you with my boyfriend!"

"What? Stan? But I thought you were worried about the world?"

"I **AM** WORRIED ABOUT THE WORLD! THIS **IS** ABOUT THE WORLD! SO YOU HAVE TO DO IT!" Wendy yelled, "Look, I know it's hard to grasp, but this must be done, Cartman's already had a kid _eat_ his parents Kyle! Just think what else he could do! You have to go out with Cartman, or at least give him a sixty-nine and some shower action!"

"Huh?" Kyle was seriously confused now.

~~@~~

"Have to do it? What does he have to do?" Stan asked aloud from the field, tripping up as he strained to hear the shouted conversation.

"Well Stan, m-m-maybe W-Wendy is getting Kyle to bre-bre-bre-breeee break up with you again," Jimmy mused.

"BREAK UP WITH ME AGAIN?" Stan yelped as Token and Craig tackled him to the ground.

~~@~~

"You don't even have to tell anybody, just get him alone and confess your feelings for him!" Wendy snapped.

"But I don't _have_ any feelings for him!" Kyle snapped back, starting to get irritated.

"Look that doesn't matter, just tell him! If he resists, take him on, be the butch, assert your dominance! For the world, you have to either kill him or make him your bitch!" Wendy said firmly.

"So then I'm going to kill him!"

"No, you can't kill him!" Wendy growled, "Look, I didn't want to do this but if you don't at least try to go out with Cartman in the next 24 hours, I will post _this_ on the school website" Wendy said holding up a photo.

"W-Where'd you get that?" Kyle whispered, eyes wide. "Give it!"

Wendy pulled the photo quickly away from kyle's reaching hand and tucked it back into her pink jacket, "It doesn't matter where I got it. What does matter is that I have many more copies at home and on my computer. So, do we have a deal Kyle?"

"I- uh, th-this is just wrong!" Kyle growled, "But... I guess I have no choice," he mumbled.

"Good," Wendy smiled and skipped away. Kyle stared numbly after her before walking back to the game, staring downward in horror.

"Oh God, here he comes! I-I can't hear this! Not again!" Stan screamed and ran away in tears.

"Dude, where's Stan going?" Kyle asked Jimmy.

"I d-d-d-don't know K-K-Kyle," he shrugged.

"Great," Kyle moaned, and went to the bathroom to throw up.

**TBC**


	3. Well That Didn't Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyle begins the mission

### Cartman X Kyle III

It was after school that Kyle, Stan and Cartman boarded the school bus, filing by Mr. Hat. Kyle had tried to talk to Stan at the lunch but he seemed to be avoiding him for some reason. Could Stan have heard the conversation between him and Wendy? It seemed impossible, he was across the field at the time, but maybe... Still though, why would that make Stan avoid him? Surely that wasn't like Stan, Stan would usually try to help him find a way out of this... wouldn't he?

Even on the bus heading for home, Stan was staring out the window in a silent stupor and Kyle didn't want to bring this up with both Cartman sitting on the seat across from him, grotesquely munching on a bag of cheesy-poofs, and Wendy seated behind him, glaring. He really didn't want to do this. He REALLY didn't want to. But if that photo got out...

No. This could not be allowed under any circumstances. Not only would it be humiliating, but his mom would probably murder him. Even if it really wasn't what it looked like, he knew no one would believe him.

Therefore, as the school bus pulled up to their stop and they filed by Mr. Hat's eerie silence once more, Kyle resolved to comply to Wendy's... suggestion. He rationalized as best as he could of course. Wendy did have a point of this possibly making Cartman less of a danger to humanity, and he definitely wouldn't tell. Kyle had sort of suspected Cartman was gay anyway, he just never though Cartman would be gay for _him_... this could be a really bad idea, but he had no choice. Even being labelled gay would be better then that photo...

The three boys walked a short ways together before Kyle opened his mouth to ask Stan if he wanted to come over for a while. Stan however, before Kyle could get a word out, started dashing up the sidewalk.

"Uh, I'll see you guys tomorrow but I've got to go... iron... my grandpa...'s... um, wheelchair! Yeah! Oh hang on... ARG! NEVERNMIND!" he dashed away. Kyle felt very deserted and glanced at Cartman. The fat boy was still looking at Stan's quickly retreating figure.

"Geez, what a gay-wad. Well, Terrance and Phillip are on soon so I'll be heading home," Cartman stretched, "See ya queer-boy," Cartman laughed wildly and walked off in the opposite direction.

Kyle was about to leave when he felt a wet slap on the side of him head. He groped at his hat and pulled off a wad of chewed bubble gum. "Oh sick dude!" he looked around wildly and then his eyes drifted up. On the top of Tom's Rhinoplasty, Wendy was aiming a sling shot at his head, blowing a bubble, and glaring. Kyle shuddered and prepared to play Wendy's sick game.

"I-uh, hey Cartman?" Kyle called and the fat racist son of a bitch turned, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes Kyle?"

"I-um... I was wondering if... her is your mom home?" Kyle asked. Cartman stared a moment.

Then, "Dude... sick, I'm not letting you have it on with my mom!"

"NO! It's just, is your house empty?" Kyle snapped.

"Why do you care if my house is empty, Kyle?" Cartman demanded.

"B-because... I just... can I talk to you in private?" Kyle frowned, trying desperately to control his grimace.

"OOOH!" Wendy giggled from atop Tom's Rhinoplasty. Her slingshot was still at her side but right now she was watching through binoculars and held her video camera she'd received for her straight-A report card last fall. She'd also taken the liberty of bugging Kyle with a microphone as she passed his desk today, so she was all ready for her podcast she'd be starting as soon as she got some good hot footage. This wasn't Usami and Misaki, but it was still yaoi and she intended to get all she could out of it.

"Talk to me alone, huh? Really Kyle? Is that ALL you want?" Cartman asked, stroking his chin.

Kyle hesitated, but pressed on, mind on Wendy's threat. "Yes. That's all I want."

"Well that's just great Kyle, only I _KNOW_ you just are hoping to try out my new X-Box game, Rise of The Evil Bloodthirsty Satanic Mutants that your Jew-bitch mom won't let you play! Well I'm onto you Kyle, so you can just forget it!" he laughed wildly again and started away. Kyle blinked, and looked up at Wendy, who seemed to have a camera rolling. But that was trivial compared to the photo she held up menacingly next to it and Kyle gulped.

"But, Cartman!" he yelled but Cartman stuck his fingers in his ears.

"LA LA LA! YOU CAN'T PLAY! NAH NAH NAH NAH NAAAH NAH!" Cartman huffed and puffing into a slow run away that Kyle could easily catch up to. He grabbed Cartman's jacket and swung him around.

"Look, fat ass! I... I LOVE YOU GODDAMN IT!" he shouted, and thank the Lord that the only other thing on the street besides Wendy was Towlie and he was way too high to remember anything later.

Cartman stared, slack jawed. "You what?"

"I- you... I..." Kyle struggled trying to get it out again. He stared at the ground, looking mad. "Yes. I love you. I love your fat ass double chin, and your crappy morals and all the evil son of a bitch things you do. I love you Eric Cartman. There, I said it," his cheeks were bright red.

Cartman's mouth had dropped open and his eyes went wide. He then shut his mouth and shook his head. "Kyle..." he glared, "I KNOW YOU'RE JUST FUCKING WITH ME! Well you know what? You can just go to hell! I don't know who put you up to this, but you can both just go to hell! Who was it? It was Wendy right? That little BITCH!" Cartman's suspicious nature had led him straight to the source, but Kyle knew he had to act as if he was wrong.

"No, no one put me up to it, I-"

"It's no use Kyle, you can't play my X-Box! EVER! BWAH HA HA HA HA HA!" Cartman yelled, running away again. Kyle couldn't see the point in following. He'd tried hadn't he? Shouldn't that be enough? A glance up at Wendy told him no, but to come up to see her anyway. The Jewish boy sighed, and headed for the fire escape stairs at the back of the building.

"Okay, that was a good start, now we just have to go in for the kill" Wendy said taking out her binoculars and watching Cartman again.

Kyle stared. "A good START? Wendy, I told Cartman I LOVED him, and he didn't believe me. So what the hell else am I supposed to do?"

Wendy rolled her eyes. "Obviously, if he doesn't believe it when you tell him, you just have to show him."

"Show him?" Kyle asked nervously, shifting away from Wendy's evil grin.

"Yep. Show him."

**TBC**


	4. Showing Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plan continues

### CARTMAN X KYLE IV

Kyle soon discovered Wendy's plan for 'showing' Cartman. When Wendy told him, he felt his testicles retract in fear and his mouth run dry.

"Dude... that's... really, really sick," Kyle shuddered.

"No, it's man on man love and it's beautiful!" Wendy snapped, "So just do it!"

"Wendy, I have nothing against gays or gaiety. And I support love in all it's forms. But this is Cartman. And that is sick."

"Well... okay it's probably too soon anyway. We have to build it up," Wendy sighed, "Alright, new plan," she told him and Kyle still grimaced, but finally agreed. That night, the plan fell into action.

It was midnight. Cartman was already in bed and Kyle had snuck out a half hour before. He knew Wendy would be watching from nearby and disconcerting as that was, he intended to go through with this.

He got alongside Cartman's window easily, having snuck into Cartman's room on a few previous occasions, such as to turn him ginger that one time. This was, however, the first time he'd snuck in by himself and knowing what he was about to do was terrifying... the implications meant that he would be turning himself gay, gay for life. If his mom found out... well better this then the photo, must not forget that...

The window jimmied open and Kyle put on his best acting face as he entered the room, looking over at Cartman's form, sprawled on his sheets. Taking a few deep breaths, the young Jewish boy approached his bedside, bit his lip, and climbed on top of the sweaty body before him.

Leaning his face next to Cartman's ear his whispered, "Hey, Cartman, wake up," no response. "Hey, Cartman," he hissed louder, and there was a slight groan as the fat boy opened his eyes a little.

"H-huh?" he snorted, noticing the weight on his chest and flinging himself upright, sending Kyle back a little onto Cartman's knees, legs on either side. His eyes widened. "Kyle? Why are you in my room straddling me?"

Kyle looked ticked off. "I said I loved you fat ass, and you didn't believe me, so now apparently I'm showing you."

Cartman stared, blinked, and kept staring for a few more moments before looking angry. "Oh really Kyle? So you think just waltzing in here is showing me? Well guess what? That's BULLCRAP! MAM! MAAA-MMPH!" Cartman was cut off as Kyle slammed his lips on Cartman's, pushing him back into his mattress, and rubbing his body against the fat boy's.

Cartman's heart beat rapidly, seeming completely stunned as Kyle drew back. "K-Kyle? Do you... are you..."

"If you don't tell anyone, you can have me every night if you want to," Kyle said, repeating Wendy's script word for word and trying desperately to keep his face neutral and his voice low, "Do you want that Cartman? Eric? Do you want that?"

Cartman swallowed, still staring and sweating a little as Kyle bent his face to Cartman's again. This time they stayed linked longer, Kyle trying to censor this entire affair from his mind and Cartman simply enjoying it, enjoying release, enjoying emotions that he never realized he possessed.

Outside the window with her window camera, Wendy was suppressing many a-squeal and writing her commentary for this podcast episode as she did. This was so smexy it hurt!

Kyle withdrew his tongue now, feeling less disgusted than before somehow, but still knowing this was wrong on many levels.

"I have to go" Kyle said, standing "I'll come back tomorrow night, if you want. No one has to know. This could be our other life. It isn't our day life. That stays the same. This might even be a dream..." Kyle said, reciting from the script again. He looked at Cartman. He still didn't speak, but did nod. As a horrid confirmation for this affair to begin, Kyle nodded in return and climbed back out the window, heading off through the snow. He took a short look over his shoulder and saw Cartman staring out the window after him. Kyle looked away and ran a bit faster back to his house, where he intended to basically empty his dad's bottle of mouth wash before dawn.

Wendy, hoping for a little more of Cartman's side of this, poked her camera carefully into the window frame of Cartman's room again. The fat boy had managed to get back into bed and was staring at the ceiling, still in shock.

"Come on, move or something..." Wendy whispered in irritation.

Then it happened, the perfect close for her first podcast. Cartman smiled.

~~@~~

The next morning at the bus stop, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman were standing as per usual. Kenny's previous epiphany had evaporated and he once again could only suspect, but could not recall the exact evidence.

When Kyle saw Cartman, he couldn't seem to help but look away. Despite the intended purge, he couldn't wipe the memories and they were all that had gone through his mind the night before.

"Kyle, are you okay? You're going kind of red in the face," Stan said, now seeming better once Kyle had assured him Wendy had not asked him to break up for her. Stan asked, of course, what it HAD been about. However, seeing as he'd already committed the deed he was WAY to horrified to consider telling Stan about the conversation now so he told Stan the conversation had been about what she should get him for his birthday.

"Huh? Oh, uh, just a cold. Nothing major," Kyle said, sniffing to prove his point.

"Mmph, mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph?" Kenny asked.

Kyle looked down and indeed his new snow pants were torn, possibly from Cartman's windowsill? "Oh, uh, I just... fell," Kyle said with a forced smile.

"Yeah, but they still make you look like a queer-mo," Cartman snorted.

"FAT ASS!"

"JEW!"

"DON'T BELITTLE MY PEOPLE!"

The bus pulled up.

"JEW FROM A JEW-BITCH MOM!"

"FAT ASS FROM A SLUT MOM!"

Eerie silence.

"Sorry Mr. Hat," Kyle muttered and they boarded the bus.

**TBC**


	5. He Found Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plot is discovered.

### Cartman X Kyle V

"And that's why Edward Cullen from Twilight should join the Jonas Brothers," Mr. Garrison explained. While pretty much no one paid attention. "And now we'll move onto fractions..."

Kyle was tired obviously, and was staring at Mr. Garrison with eyelids drooping. He startled, however, when he was stabbed in the back by a pencil. He turned and found Wendy shoving a piece of folded paper at him. He took it in tired confusion and opened it.

_Kyle,_

_Last night was awesome! You have to do it again tonight. Sneak out around midnight again and this time we'll see if you can get in some more tongue action, even some cuddling! I can't wait!_

_-Wendy_

_P.S. DON'T FORGET THE PHOTO_

"Aw dude..." Kyle groaned, rubbing his eyes. He was this tired after last night, when was he supposed to get any sleep? He shoved the note in his bag and returned to staring at the teacher in an insanely bored way.

 _'Wendy's passing notes to Kyle? I thought he already told her to get me a Robo Raptor for my birthday! Maybe she couldn't afford it and was asking for something else to get me? But why pass a note for that? I could ask Kyle but... I have to see that note!'_ Stan thought to himself, starting to panic again.

At recess, Stan managed to break free of football by saying he had to go to the washroom. Butters followed him, but he managed to sneak out while Butters was in mid-stream. He slunk down the hallways, towards the lockers. He reached Kyle's, and his eyes lingered on the green backpack only a moment before he unzipped it and shoved his hands inside, desperately trying to find Kyle's secret... there it was!

Grabbing a firm hold, Stan withdrew the note from the bag and read it. His eyes widened. He read it again. No, no this had to be a mistake! Wendy and Kyle... his best friend! NO WAY!

Scrunching the note in his fist, Stan tore down the hall, out door, onto the field, and and into the football game where he proceeded to tackle Kyle to the ground.

"WHAT," he punched Kyle, "THE HELL," another punch, "YOU," punch, "BASTARD," punch, "STEALING," punch, "MY," punch, "GIRLFRIEND?" he tried for another but Kyle pushed him off, lip bleeding.

"What the hell dude? I'm not stealing your girlfriend!" Kyle growled.

"Then what was this note then?" Stan shouted, shoving the note at Kyle's face. Kyle took it, saw it was the note from earlier, and twitched. Then he tore it up and swallowed it. "Dude," Stan said, a little surprised about this course of action from his friend.

"Stan, I need to talk to you alone," Kyle said firmly and directed his friend across the field.

Cartman, meanwhile, stared at the departing figures, remembering Kyle's words from the other day and wondering if this counted as being cheated on. THAT wasn't boding well with him at all.

"Dude," Stan said, open mouthed as Kyle finished explaining.

"Yeah. I know."

"And _Cartman_... dude."

" _YEAH_. I know," Kyle twitched.

"I only believe this because I know you'd NEVER admit to kissing Cartman if it wasn't true. But seriously, how bad can this picture Wendy has of you be?"

"It's bad dude. Trust me," Kyle said with a frown, "But, um, does this make me gay?"

"I don't know dude!" Stan threw his hands into the air, then calmed. "Um... well, did you like it?"

"What? Like... no! No, of course not!"

"Not even a little?"

"NO!"

"Then I don't think your gay, but Wendy is being a bitch... maybe I can talk to her."

"No you can't," Kyle said quickly, wide eyed, "if she finds out I told you, she might just post the picture anyway! That can't happen!"

"So... so what, you're going to keep going back to Cartman's house?" Stan asked in shock.

"I don't have a choice dude," Kyle sighed, "I just don't have a choice."

From behind a tree, Cartman was holding his Suzy Spies-A-Lot spy microphone and standing with his mouth hanging open. "Son of a BITCH!"

When the bell for the end of school rang, Kyle walked downcast from the classroom. However, just as he passed the boys bathroom he was grabbed by the collar a dragged inside.

"Dude wha- C-Cartman?" Kyle stammered as he was pulled to an angle where the two wouldn't be seen from outside.

"Kyle, I heard what you were telling Stan earlier," he growled, "You played me, you bastard!"

"No! Well yes, but I didn't have a choice okay?" Kyle snapped, "Look, please, I swear I won't do anything else to you, but I have to keep coming to your room at night, Wendy can't post that picture!" Kyle begged.

Cartman smiled evilly. "Oh no Kyle. You see, if I'm going to help you out, I need something in return."

"H-huh?" Kyle blinked.

"Wendy's going to try to get you to keep going further and further with me you know. It's just that way these yaoi fangirls are. So I'm going to have a really put out for you to stay safe from this horrible picture the bitch has of you."

"Well... yeah... but... okay, what do you want?" Kyle sighed.

"I want whatever I want Kyle. If I ask you for something, you must give it to me. If, for example, I asked you for your limited edition Legend of Zelda Nintendo DS with Nintendogs, you'd have to give it to me. And furthermore, you're not allowed to call me fat ass ever again."

Kyle's jaw dropped. "DUDE! That is not cool!"

"No, maybe not, but if you want to keep that photo you're so worried about off the internet..."

"I- urg... fine," Kyle sighed in defeat, frowning at the tiled bathroom floor.

"I'm glad we see eye to eye on this Kyle," Cartman grinned, patting Kyle on the cheek and laughing wildly as he left the bathroom.

**TBC**


	6. Sucking Cartman's Balls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cartman takes advantage

### Cartman X Kyle VI

Kyle spent much of that night staring at the ceiling of his room. He'd meant very much to get some sleep and awaken quickly to his alarm at midnight, but unfortunately that plan wasn't working out too well. Now he was under the thumbs of both Wendy AND Cartman. Was the photo really _this_ bad? He wondered… the photo would of course cause him humiliation, and his mom would probably blow a gasket, maybe even kick him out of the house if the news hits her at a bad time. Without a home or friends, he'd probably end up living in Pip's box between the post office and that shop with the mugs and hats displayed in the window. After he kicks Pip out, of course.

But like this… he had food and shelter and friends, but he was at Wendy's mercy to be forced to have sexual relations with _Cartman_ , of all people, and then in order to keep her believing those situations were going on, he had to keep giving Cartman whatever he wants. Kyle was _pretty_ sure he could draw the line somewhere but… he had a new, scary little worry growing in his stomach. That he might actually-

The alarm clock rang for a millisecond before the Jewish boy quickly silenced it. He felt quite queasy as he climbed out of his bedroom window and trudged through the snow under the moonlight. It was quiet out. Kyle wondered how Cartman would act now that all was out in the open… he'd probably start over acting knowing him… or else would try to dominate… that was a rather frightening concept. Well, he'd find out what was in store for him soon enough.

Eric was sitting up in bed, reading a comic by flashlight and waiting for Kyle. When he heard the window jimmy open he smiled a little as the green-hatted boy struggled over the window sill, hoping desperately that he wouldn't rip his snow pants again. Cartman put his comic book away, and raised his eyebrows suggestively.

"Well hello Kyle. How nice of you to drop by again."

"Uh, yeah," Kyle said hesitantly. He'd spotted Wendy in Cartman's tree on the way to Cartman's window. He had already memorized Wendy's list of script options made in case there were any awkward silences, and this qualified. Luckily, his near-photographic memory allowed him to quickly scan over the list. "So… I see you were expecting me," he gave a smirk, lowering his eyebrows as Wendy had showed him.

"Why… yes I was, Kyle," Cartman smiled, eyelids also lowered, "So, you still 'love me' then, I take it?"

Kyle realized th fat boy was just eating this up. God, he probably even wanted Kyle to do everything Wendy told him to do… that sick, fat, twisted…

"Yes. I still love you," Kyle said with the slightest hint of irritation at the situation, and strode over to Cartman's bed.

"You know," Cartman said, stretching out, "I bet it's awfully hot wearing that heavy winter jacket and hat all the time… why don't you take them off?" Cartman suggested, clad only in his pajamas himself, of course.

"I- um, sure," Kyle said, nervous, but aware that taking off his coat and hat wasn't really so bad in the long run. He consented to remove them and left them near the window. Whilst there, he saw Wendy in the tree, squealing her head off. As he dropped them though, Wendy froze and her eyes seemed to widen a little as Kyle headed back to Cartman's bed.

~~@~~

"Oh no, the hat's on top of my bug! I only have visual now! Well, maybe if I set this scene to music…" Wendy muttered to herself, readjusting her view of the window in her camera.

~~@~~

Kyle made his way to Cartman's bed and sat carefully next to him, trying very, very hard to seem relaxed. Then Cartman adjusted himself so his head was basically against Kyle's chest on the headboard.

"Kyle, I've always had feelings for you but, I just could never figure out how to express them you know? They just, bubbled up inside me, and just came out in all sorts of bad outlets," Cartman said in that sickeningly sweet tone he used whenever he was trying to convince people he was telling the truth, or had an epiphany or something. Like the one he used right after Kyle told him he wasn't actually ginger. That voice.

"Like getting a kid to eat his own parents?" Kyle asked flatly.

Cartman didn't miss a beat. "Yeah, you know, maybe if I'd just had a little love shown to me, I may never have felt such anger towards that son of a dead bitch."

"Uh… yeah," Kyle scanned his mental list again, "So… do you want to pick up where we left off?"

"Why yes Kyle, I believe I do," Cartman said. Kyle wet his lips and prayed for God not to hate him for this. He moved himself so he was on top of the fat boy. Somehow, knowing that Cartman knew this was all staged was just making it worse. He leaned in, kissed softly, and drew back slightly. "What's wrong Kyle? You were much more forceful yesterday," Cartman pointed out with a smirk.

Kyle grimaced. "I just… uh…" mental list, "Can't get over how sexy your eyes lookin the moonlight?" he blinked, "Um… okay seriously Cartman, I don't think Wendy can hear us in here."

"Ssh Kyle!" Cartman grunted, "She could have bugs all over for all you know. Just keep up the sweet talk and remember to deliver your DS to me tomorrow morning at the bus stop before school," Kyle twitched.

"You just said way more then me fat a- uh… well, if Wendy heard me she definitely heard you!"

Cartman made an exasperated noise and rolled his eyes. "Well then go over to the window and pull down the blinds. While you're there you can look out at my tree and see if Wendy looks mad."

"… how do you know Wendy's in your tree, Cartman?"

"B-because I was, you know, watching out the window earlier and," Cartman swallowed, "You know, I just saw her there."

"Whatever dude," Kyle rolled his eyes and headed over to the window. He looked out and Wendy was still filming. He sent her a micro glare and closed the curtains.

~~@~~

Wendy's jaw dropped. Oh he had NOT just cut her visual! That little BASTARD! She took some deep breaths and sighed.

"Oh well, I guess I need to get more sleep anyway. I don't think anything can go wrong now," Wendy smirked to herself as she turned off her camera and climbed out of the tree.

~~@~~

Kyle finished closing the curtains and sighed "So… I don't think Wendy can hear us and now she can't see us either. So I guess if I just stay in here for a while she won't suspect anything," Kyle yawned widely, "I don't think I can stay too late though, I almost fell asleep in class today."

Cartman blinked, looking a little surprised. "Oh… uh, well yeah I guess that's best..." then a slow smirk came to his lips, "Or… you could always suck my balls."

"Excuse me?" Kyle asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Well you know, after the leprechaun incident, I did satisfy myself to _imagine_ you fulfilling your promise when it seemed going to jail wasn't enough incentive to get you to suck my balls. Maybe this photo is enough?" Cartman asked innocently, laying on his side, hand travelling around his pajama bottoms and Kyle's eyes couldn't help but follow it.

"Dude, sick!" Kyle snapped and Cartman sighed.

"Well, I guess I'll just have to tell Wendy I know all about her little yaoi film shoot here, and then she can take her oh so scary photo of Kyle she has and put it on the web site for everyone to see and laugh at," Cartman smiled. Kyle stared at Cartman. Cartman stared back. Kyle scowled.

"Oh goddamn it."

Kyle sighed deeply and walked over to Cartman, who seemed rather surprised that Kyle seemed to be actually agreeing to this.

"Dude, that must seriously be one disgusting photo she's got of you," he said wide eyed as Kyle stood in front of him, arm crossed.

"Yeah. Just… just let's get this over with," Kyle swallowed.

"You seem rather eager Kyle."

"Dude, maybe if you didn't get all wise assed on me last time I would've done this back then! So just get your pants off, _OKAY_?" Kyle shouted. There was a silence as Cartman stared and Kyle realized how loud he just was. "Dude… where's your mom anyway?"

"Oh, uh, I think she went to Vegas again," Cartman said after a moment.

"Oh yeah, because she's a slut."

"OKAY! New rule, no making fun of my mom!"

"Well then you stop making fun of mine!"

_((Joyful Note: Okay readers! This next bit is going to get pornographic, so if you don't want to read it, carefully skim along until you find my next Joyful Note! Just be careful that no scary, sexual words jump out at you, okaaaay? ^^))_

Cartman snorted, "Yeah, like that's gonna happen." Kyle growled as Cartman finally removed his pajama bottom and boxers, standing on his bed so his **PENIS** was dangling right in front of Kyle's face. Kyle raised an eyebrow.

"Dude… that's it?"

"What do you mean that's it?"

"God, I didn't expect a flag pole, but does that even qualify as a **PENIS**? I mean, maybe you're actually a girl, that would explain the **BREASTS**."

"Okay, just shut up and suck my **BALLS** already!" Cartman shouted. Kyle gulped, closed his eyes, and opened his mouth.

His lips slowly closed over Cartman's **BALLS** and he actually felt a twinge of surprise. He didn't exactly feel damned for it… in fact… he felt… a little sweaty….

Kyle opened his eyes and tentatively touched Cartman's **SCROTOM** with his **TONGUE**. It wasn't… so bad… he glanced up at an annoyed looking Cartman.

"You're not **SUCKING** , Kyle!" Cartman growled warningly. Kyle grimaced, but complied, taking a long breath in and finally **SUCKED** long and hard. "Oh yes… YES!" Cartman moaned loudly, and Kyle was shocked as Cartman's miniscule member appeared to grow. This was way too freaky dude. Kyle drew back.

_((Joyful Note: There, now I hope your naughty little mind are stated for now, there'll be more later! And for those who skimmed over, I hope your eyes didn't mistakenly linger over any words that might be offensive to you!))_

"There. I sucked your balls, are you happy now?" Kyle asked with a scowl. Cartman smiled dreamily.

"For now Kyle, for now… it's almost 1:00am, you'd better get out of here."

"Yeah. Okay," Kyle muttered, pulling on his jacket and hat and opening the windowsill, "And Cartman… you really aren't going to tell… right?"

"Of course not Kyle," Cartman said, blinking innocently with that sweet smile of his on his face. Kyle felt queasy again as he climbed out Cartman's bedroom window.

**TBC**


	7. Gasp! Conspiracy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We learn where loyalties lie

### CARTMAN X KYLE VII

In school the next day, Kyle was feeling ticked and tired. Cartman was flaunting his 'new DS' around and once again Kyle had a sleepless night. This was making him very irritable and inattentive.

"Kyle, can you tell me the circumference of Jay Leno's chin?" Mr. Garrison asked, catching Kyle off guard.

"H-huh? Could you repeat the question?" Kyle asked, and then yawned widely.

"Kyle Broflovski! Pay attention!" Mr. Garrison snapped before directing his question at Clyde.

"Goddamn it," Kyle growled, leaning his chin on his hand.

"Hey, Kyle! KYLE!" Wendy's voice hissed loudly and Kyle felt himself poked once again by her demonic pencil.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT, YOU PINK HATTED BITCH?" Kyle shouted, turning in his seat. The whole class went quiet.

"KYLE! That's it, report to detention after school today!" Mr. Garrison ordered.

"Kyle," Wendy said, her eyes becoming very, very evil, "Don't fuck with Wendy Testiburger. Do you remember what happened to the last person I said that to, Kyle?"

Kyle shivered. "I just… yes. Yes Wendy," Kyle muttered as Mr. Garrison went back to teaching. _'Goddamn it'_ … the Jewish boy sighed and his tired eyes drifted over to Cartman who was staring at him. Kyle looked quickly away, feeling drops of sweat run down his neck. Why the hell was he staring like that? Kyle glanced the other direction and saw Jimmy whispering something to Stan. Stan's eyes widened, and he stared at Kyle as well. Kyle suddenly noticed that most of the class was staring now… or had they been all along? He'd been really tired… but why were they all staring like that?

At recess, he got to find out.

"Dude… Wendy made a podcast of you and Cartman," Stan explained as soon as they were outside.

"DUDE!" Kyle shouted, eyes wide, "Why the hell would she do something like that?"

"I don't know, I have no idea she was capable of something like this!" Stan shook his head, "Anyway, now everybody's afraid to go near you."

"Hey you guys," Cartman said smiling as he came waddling over with Kenny, who seemed in a state of shock.

"Mmph, mmph mmph mmph?" Kenny asked Kyle in monotone.

"I'm… okay. Oh, no I'm not! Cartman, you can't seriously be okay with every kid in school knowing I snuck into your house the past two days and made out with you!" Kyle snapped.

"And sucked my balls Kyle, let's not forget that," Cartman smiled.

"But, Wendy didn't see that part, so no one knows about that," Kyle said flatly.

Stan's eyes widened. "Dude, you actually…"

"YES! Okay? Yes I did!" Kyle snapped.

"Yeah, well they wouldn't know, except I told everybody," Cartman said happily.

"You **WHAT**?" Kyle shouted, "WHY THE FUCKING HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?"

Cartman sighed. "Kyle, Kyle, Kyle. You just don't get it do you?" Cartman walked over to Kyle and put his arm around his shoulders. Kyle's face went red in rage.

"Get what, fat ass?"

"I told you not to call me that, Kyle," Cartman growled, "But you don't get it. You don't get how yaoi sells among fan girls. This starts as a pod cast, but then we get an online store. Get some junk with our names and faces on it. Think of the cash there is in being gay!"

Kyle twitched. "You little bastard. Y-you…" it dawned on him, "YOU'RE WORKING WITH WENDY, AREN'T YOU?"

"Well, after I heard you were playing me I OBVIOUSLY had to yell at that bitch Wendy. Then she made me the internet store offer if I read the script and after all I…" he paused, "Well, anyways, now that its all out in the open, we'll have some awesome episodes!" Cartman grinned. Kyle stared.

"God Cartman…" Kyle growled, "H-how much money do I get out of this?"

Cartman raised an eyebrow. "Dude, you get nothing, you're being blackmailed into this remember?"

Kyle was irritated, but sort of expected as much. "Okay… hey! Wait a minute, then give back my DS, Wendy knew about you knowing all along!"

"Nuh-uh! Because one of my conditions was that if I didn't get your stuff still, I wouldn't keep up the show, and then Wendy would post the picture!" Cartman explained with an evil smile.

"Dude, not cool!" Stan snapped, "Don't you get that you're basically selling kid porn?"

They all stared at Stan.

"Dude…" Kyle blinked, "Y-you're right! This is freaking illegal, man!" he shouted at Cartman.

"H-hey relax Jew!" Cartman stammered, "Look, I'm sure Wendy has a firewall or something up so only kids out age can see it."

"There isn't a firewall for that, dumbass!" Stan yelled.

"Yeah well... well… yeah…" Cartman sighed, "B-but it's consented!"

"Yeah by one of us!" Kyle growled, "Seriously dude!"

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Well come on, if they're going to arrest anyone for this it won't be us, it'll be the stupid bitch who's exploiting our conjoined sexiness!"

Kyle's mouth was agape.

"DUDE! SICK!" Stan yelled as Wendy walked by with Bebe, unbeknownced to the boys.

"So… what's this podcast called, anyway?" Kyle asked after a moment.

"Cartman X Kyle. Short, sweet, and to the point don't you think?" Cartman said happily.

"Hey, looks like your boyfriend's pretty jealous about the show," Bebe blinked and smiled.

"Hey! No he's not!" Wendy snapped. Then she looked back at the argument. "H-he can't be…"

Bebe rolled her eyes. "Well even if he's not, that could be a great angle for your podcast! A love triangle!" Wendy slapped Bebe across the face "WENDY! What the hell?"

"DON'T SAY THAT! DON'T YOU EVER #$%ING %*&$ SAY THAT YOU LITTLE BITCH!" Wendy screamed before storming away, leaving Bebe to rub her reddening cheek in bewilderment.

After school Wendy managed to corner Kyle and Cartman on their way out of class.

"Okay, here are your scripts for tonight, and tomorrow on the bus I'll give you the scripts for the big public revelation!" Wendy said smiling.

Cartman looked over the script. "Yeah, this looks pretty sweet."

"Wendy! C-come on, don't you think this is enough?" Kyle asked, still skimming over the script, "I mean, I've basically gotten no sleep the past two days!"

Wendy rolled her eyes. "So? Then just sneak out a bit earlier then usual with your school stuff, then after we're done filming you can sleep there for a few hours! Your mom barely sees you in the morning anyway, if she asks after school where you were, just tell her you had to get to school early for a project!" she paused, "Actually… that's a great idea! You're so doing that! Let me change the script a little!" Wendy said excitedly, snatching it back from Kyle.

"DUDE! Now you want me to lie to my mom?"

"Geez Kyle, quit being such a pussy. You can't be the butch if you're being a pussy," Cartman snorted.

"Why do you know so much about gay relationships anyway, Cartman?" Kyle snapped.

"B-because I- well you know I- urg... screw you Kyle, I'm going home!" he smiled a little pervertedly, "And I'll see you there later," Kyle twitched as Cartman headed away.

"Hmm… that's another thing. You're probably going to have to start calling him Eric," Wendy said, cupping her hand to her chin as if considering the merit of the idea. Kyle wondered if that photo was really worth this again.

**TBC**


	8. Trying to Rape Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At the end, Wendy is angered

### Cartman X Kyle VIII

After enduring an irritating detention that mostly involved trying to not notice Mr. Garrison sneaking looks at his gay porn magazine under his desk, Kyle left the school and sighed, not looking forward to the long walk home he had no choice but to take. Then his mom would probably get mad that he'd gotten detention, and he'd end up grounded. Well… maybe then he wouldn't be _able_ to comply with Cartman and Wendy's evil plans if that happened… aw no that was no good. If he stayed at Cartman's and told his mom he left early to work on a school project, she'd be so proud the grounding for detention would probably be revoked. Damn it.

So now he was tired and had to walk home, and tonight he had to go to Cartman's. According to Wendy's new script (and apparently since Cartman would be setting up a monitoring camera in his room they'd be sticking to it) he'd be spending the night locked in a sweaty, disgusting embrace with the lard ball. He doubted very much _that_ would help him sleep at all.

"Mmph mmph."

"Oh, hey Kenny," Kyle said in surprise, "What're you doing still at school?"

"Mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph."

"Oh, that makes sense," Kyle nodded. He smiled, at least he wouldn't have to walk alone. The two got to the ditch at the side of the road and started walking.

"Mmph. Mmph mmph mmph?"

Kyle twitched, then sighed and lowered his head. "Yeah. Cartman. I can't believe this is happening to me!" Kyle groaned loudly.

"Mmph, mmph, mmph mmph MMPH mmph mmph?"

"Dude, it is **BAD** okay?" Kyle snapped.

"Mmph… mmph mmph mmph?"

"Uh… well, it's hard to explain what it's of, you'd have to see it, AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO!" Kyle snapped, reading Kenny's look, "Okay… uh… well in it there's sort of this-" Kyle was cut off by an small two seater plane crashing into Kenny and killing him. "Aw goddamn it," Kyle grumbled, walking away in deep annoyance.

For the third night in a row, Kyle rose from bed near midnight. He was completely exhausted and nearly fell to his death when he missed the tree branch outside his bedroom window. Luckily he landed in a pile of snow his dad had shoveled earlier that day. Then he realized his backpack with all his stuff was still in his room. He groaned and set to work climbing the damned tree again and ten minutes of that crap later he was heading down the street to Cartman's house again.

When he climbed in Cartman's bedroom window once again, he froze.

"Dude… I hope to God this was Wendy's idea," Kyle twitched as he looked around at the candles that seemed to occupy the entire room, "Um, isn't this a fire hazard?"

"Phht, whatever Kyle," Cartman said rolling his eyes, "And way to go, now we can't use that entrance! Get back outside and come in like Wendy told you!"

"No way dude! It's freezing out and I'm freaking tired!"

"Kahl!" Cartman whined, using that sickingly sweet tone on his name, "Please, you've got to do this for me! It's really important!"

Kyle raised an eyebrow. "Dude, I hate you. You know that right?"

"Right, right Kyle I know," Cartman sighed, "Dude, photo, Wendy, get out the window."

"Fuck you dude," Kyle muttered, climbing out the window. He came in again. "Oh, what a wonderful surprise," he said in monotone.

"No Kahl! You weren't even trying that time!"

"Quit saying my name like that, Cartman! It's creeping me out!"

"Well whatever, Jew. Get out the window and do it again."

"NO! L-look, you can easily start the scene from the middle of the… the… script," Kyle amended, "We already had two entrances Cartman…"

"Hmm… you're right, that would be sort of repetitive," Cartman said stroking his chin, "By the way, aren't you supposed to call me Eric now, Kahl?"

Kyle put his head in his hands. "Oh for the love of God… fine. Eric. So… uh, where should I put my stuff?" Kyle asked, not wanting to leave anything too near the burning candles.

"Hmm, I think over there would be good, next to the camera," Cartman said, pointing to a corner that had a good vantage point to the bed. Great. Just great. Kyle dumped his bag there and pulled off his outdoor clothes, red Jew-fro shooting upwards.

Cartman sniggered. "You know, your hair's so stupid it's almost a turn on."

"God, shut _UP_ , Eric!" Kyle snapped.

Cartman blinked. "My, you've caught onto my first name pretty quick there, Kahl"

Kyle scowled. "What do you mean? You told me I'm supposed to call you that."

"Yes, but you just used it in anger. I kind of like it," Cartman smiled pervertedly as he had earlier that day.

Kyle was getting seriously pissed now. "LOOK, FAT ASS! I'M FUCKING TIRED, SO CAN WE JUST GO TO BED ALREADY?"

"Geez Kyle, who put sand in your vagina?" Cartman snorted.

"I don't have sand in my vagina! I don't even HAVE a vagina, which is more then I can say for you _Eric_ with that tiny thing you showed me last night!"

"So what are you saying, Kyle? You don't like me because my dick isn't big enough for you?" Cartman asked in his innocent voice.

"No! I don't like you because you're a fat, stupid, racist son of a bitch!" Kyle screamed.

Cartman sighed. "Very well Kyle, now get into bed like a good little boy for the cameras."

Kyle's jaw dropped and he wanted to say something, but he couldn't find that words. He filed by Cartman and got on the bed, getting under the covers for the first time. Cartman got in beside him and snuggled in close to him. Kyle's nostrils were filled with his scent and it was making his eyes water. It got worse as the fat boy turned on his side and draped his arm across Kyle's chest, pulling the Jewish boy to him.

"Hey Kahl, I've been, you know, thinking…" Cartman said in his whiny voice, reciting from Wendy's script.

"W-What is it… Eric?" Kyle asked, trying hard to keep his voice level. Wendy could edit out the shit from before, but she needed something good or she'd freak.

"It's just, I know you really want to keep this whole affair a secret and all, since it would be so damning and all, but I was sort of wondering…" Eric smiled here and traced his finger in a circle on Kyle's chest.

"What is it Eric… love?" Kyle choked out.

"Well, I don't want to hide it Kahl! Why should we have to hide our love? It's wholesome and pure, can't we please reveal it in school tomorrow? Then we'd have each other every day and night!" Cartman exclaimed. Kyle had to try very, very hard not to vomit as he replied to this. He finally managed to put his acting skills to use and pretended to separate himself from his body as he did this next part.

He flipped over so he hovered about Cartman's body. "You're right my love, you're absolutely right. It isn't fair to either of us. We'll tell them tomorrow, we're coming out!" he then kissed Cartman, but was unexpectedly grabbed by the fat boy and held close as he dug his tongue into the mouth of the surprised Hebrew. This lasted a good ten seconds before Kyle came to himself and began trying to struggle away. He managed after a moment, luckily despite his size Cartman wasn't actually that strong.

"And scene," Cartman said, smiling a satisfied smile as he sank down into the mattress. The Jewish boy still hovered above him, face twisted in anger, and the bags under his eyes very pronounced.

"Cartman… are you trying to rape me?" he asked quietly. Cartman's eyes opened a little.

"Whatever Kahl. Why would I want to rape you? Jew," he chuckled and yawned widely, patting the bed beside him as he did so, "Come on Kyle, why don't you try to get some sleep? You seem tired. Nice as you are up on top of me, if I turn over in my sleep you'll probably get thrown off."

Kyle twitched, but got under the covers again anyway. Cartman immediately snuggled up next to him and draped his arm once again over his chest. Kyle would've fought, but by now he was so tired he could barely move, and Cartman's slow breathing was… so soothing…

As the Jewish boy's consciousness brushed sleep before diving in deeply, Cartman whispered in his ear, " _No Kahl, I won't rape you. We're only nine years old. But by the time we get old enough for that, you're going to want it from me… I'll make sure of it._ "

~~@~~

"HA! Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES!" Wendy shouted, dancing around the room. This was going just as planned. She'd have a popular podcast, and even if Kyle didn't wind up actually falling for Cartman, Cartman would be so wrapped up in Kyle that the Jew would never get a chance to steal her Stan! Perfect! She decided, after she was finished with her celebrating, to look over some other podcasts.

"Huh?" Wendy blinked, seeing a new post up by Bebe that was recent, but it had over 100 more views than hers. She clicked on it.

Craig X Tweek.

"THAT BITCH STOLE MY IDEA!" Wendy screamed, and her mom came in to get her off the computer as it was after all 3am. Wendy complied, but intended to have a talk with Bebe tomorrow. With her fists.

**TBC**


	9. Nothing in Real Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyle demands mercy and receives none

### Cartman X Kyle IX

Kyle woke the next morning from force of habit at 6:30am exactly. He noticed that Cartman's alarm hadn't gone off, but then again, he was usually at the bus stop later than the rest of them so he probably got up later in the morning. Kyle however was still rather tired, despite having awoken. Well, he _had_ been up basically three days in a row and even now had only gotten maybe five hours sleep at most... Still, he was groggily registering the gradually lightening room.

First, he noticed that pretty much all the candles had burned out during the night. Cartman's arm seemed to have drifted down to his stomach and... God, was that Cartman's leg crossed over Kyle's own? So basically the fat boy had been clinging to him all night. Dude.

Though he had to admit the other boy's bulk made the bed very warm...

NO! He couldn't think there was anything redeeming about this situation! He sat up, rubbing his bleary eyes as the cold morning air in the bedroom cause the red head to shiver.

"Hurnph!" Cartman grunted, waking as Kyle pushed the boy off himself. "Kahl, what are you doing?"

"I'm getting ready for school, dumbass" Kyle spat, still irritable.

"That's not very nice, Kahl," Cartman sighed, getting out of bed and going over to check on the camera. The camera had been plugged into the wall, but the disk was full. Cartman put the disk in his bag, presumably to hand it over to Wendy later. Then he began changing. Right in front of Kyle.

"Dude! At least wait for me to turn around or something!" Kyle snapped.

"Why, Kahl? It's not like you haven't seen it all already."

"I don't care!" Kyle shouted, throwing his hands in the air, "And stop calling me 'Kahl'!"

"But it's my pet name for you!"

"Dude! We're not really going out!"

Cartman sighed, then sent Kyle a glare that basically scared the shit out of the Jewish boy. "Kyle, for better or for worse, as long as Wendy has that picture, you're mine. I get your stuff, and I get you. So if I want to call you Kahl, Jewboy, or anything else... it's my call. I own you."

Kyle gaped. "Dude... I'm... I'M NOT YOUR SLAVE!"

Cartman grinned. "Oh, I think you'll fine you are Kahl. What's wrong? I figured you Jews would be used to slavery by now..."

"ARRRRRRG!" Kyle screamed and slammed into the fat boy, who only had his pants on so far. He let out an 'oof' as he fell on his back and Kyle slapped him across his face.

"Listen you fat, racist son of a bitch!" Kyle growled, face inches from Cartman's. Rage seemed to steam from his very pores. "I DO have a line you know. That picture is really, really bad but I do have a line I will not cross, even for that. And even if you never cross that line, when I get to high school it won't matter anymore, because it'll have happened too long ago for my mom to punish me for it! So no matter what, some day in the future I'll be away from you and the more you do to me now, the worse I'm going to get you back."

Cartman raised an eyebrow, but then smiled. "Well, we'll just see about that Kahl, now won't we? Now, please get off me so we can get ready for school? I believe we have something to announce today."

"God _DAMN_ it Cartman!" Kyle crawled off the fat boy and headed over to his back pack. He grabbed his jacket and whatnot and started pulling them on.

"Ew, aren't you even going to change your clothes, Kyle?" Cartman asked, making a face.

"Not with you around," Kyle grumbled, finishing getting dressed. Cartman pulled on his shirt and proceeded to don his jacket.

As the racist pig reached for his hat, Kyle was horrified to catch himself thinking that Cartman was cuter without the hat. Where had THAT come from? Sick dude! He supposed he had a small probability of being gay and that wouldn't be so bad. But this was Cartman, and this was just too much. No way. Even if he _was_ gay, he'd never be attracted to Cartman. Ever.

... Right?

~~@~~

At the bus stop, Kyle stood next to Stan and Cartman was at his other side. This was normal but... somehow it was still horrible. Because he was about to become half of a gay couple against his will, perhaps? No duh. And only Stan and Kenny would really know that he didn't want to be with Cartman.

Kyle froze in his thoughts as Cartman's arms snaked around his own arm and the fat boy leaned his head on Kyle's shoulder.

"DUDE!" Stan cried out, caught off guard by this sudden act of affection and shuffled back.

"Mph mph mph, mph mphmph mph!" Kenny squealed, pulling his coat strings to hide himself further then he usually did.

"Oh, you'll be seeing more of this fellows, so don't be so intolerant," Cartman coughed, smiling "But even if you want to abandon us, that's okay since Kyle and I still have each other."

"DUDE!" Kyle yelled, yanking his arm away.

Stan came closer again and put his hand on Kyle's shoulder. "Don't worry Kyle, we won't ditch you. We know that you're being forced into this."

"Thank you Stan," Kyle said stiffly.

"Mph, mph, mphmph? Mph mph mph mph mph mph mph mphmph?"

"KENNY!" Stan cried, "Don't ask stuff like that!"

"Mph? Mph mph mph mph mph!" Kenny snapped angrily.

"Well, in Wendy's podcast I'm the bitch, or uke I suppose, and Kyle's the butch or seme," Cartman said with a surprising knowledge of Japanese yaoi terms.

"Mph, mph mph mph. Mph mph mph mph mph."

"We're NOTHING in real life!" Kyle snapped, "And if Wendy ever stops her podcast, I'll be free!"

Cartman froze now and blinked. "Goddamn it he's right," he muttered to himself, putting a hand on his double chin and shifting his eyes as he thought about this.

The bus pulled up to the boys' stop and Wendy looked out of the window angrily. She was still pissed at Bebe who had strictly refused to stop her podcast no matter what Wendy did to her. And now... and now Stan had his hand on Kyle's shoulder? HER STAN? NO!

"AAAAAAARG!" Wendy shrieked, causing Mr. Hat's eerie silence to envelope the bus. "Oh... nothing's wrong Mr. Hat," Wendy muttered as the boys got on the bus.

**TBC**


	10. Should Never Have Fallen Asleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He really shouldn't have.

### Cartman X Kyle X (10)

On the bus, Wendy flagged the boys down and motioned them to the back of the bus. She sighed deeply. "I'm sure you probably already know this, but Bebe has made her own yaoi podcast of Craig and Tweek. It's a total rip off of ours, but it's getting way more views then us. So we have to make the public revelation episode really, really good! I couldn't sleep last night after I found out, so I drank a mocha java and after I spent three hours running around insanely I typed up this new script," Wendy said smiling, handing out scripts to not only Cartman and Kyle, but to Stan and Kenny as well.

"Um, Wendy, I think your going a bit far with this," Stan said hesitantly, reading over his lines none the less.

"Mmph, mmph mmph mmph mmph 'mmph mmph' mmph mmph?" Kenny asked with a raised eyebrow.

Wendy sighed heavily again, "It means you understand their attraction, but you aren't sure if your friendship can stay the same."

"Mmph mmph mmph mmph?"

"Because my viewers don't want to see happy friendships, they want to see conflict, drama!"

"Wendy," Stan said carefully, "Can't you let Kyle go? I mean, what's he ever done to you?"

Wendy stared at Stan, then her eyes narrowed as she put her hand on his shoulder. "Trust me Stan. This is how it has to be."

"B-but- mph!" Stan gasped as Wendy shoved herself into his arms and slammed her lips against his. She pulled back and Stan seemed stunned. Then a goofy smile covered his face and he stared out the window humming happily to himself. Wendy, however, was devastated.

"Goddamn it, I can't be too late!" Wendy muttered to herself, mad that Stan hadn't thrown up for that. There was a time he would've vomited right into her mouth for a kiss like that! Wendy looked across the bus and her rage grew as she laid eyes on Bebe talking with Craig and Tweek. Craig had his arm around Tweek and was looking pretty smug actually. Bebe looked over a Wendy and raised his eyebrows in a smug way herself. Wendy burned with rage, looking back at Cartman and Kyle. Unlike Tweek and Craig, Cartman was trying to lean on Kyle and Kyle was trying to escape into the bus seat.

Wendy glared. "Kyle, you have to act more comfortable around Cartman! Put your arm around him, and look happy!"

"How can I look happy? I've gotten five hours sleep in three days, I had to give Cartman my brand new Nintendo DS, and I'm being forced to be his personal sex slave!" Kyle shouted, causing many surprised heads to turn.

"Mmph, mmph mmph mmph?" Kenny asked twitching.

"Well, no we haven't had sex, but at this rate Wendy's going to commission it within the week!' Kyle snapped, throwing his hands in the air, "And I find that totally disgusting! I mean for God's sake Wendy, if you needed someone to pair with me for a goddamned podcast why the HELL did you have to pick Cartman?"

"Hey, is this about me not having a big enough dick for you again, Kyle?" Cartman snapped.

"NO!" Kyle growled as Kenny laughed wildly. Eerie silence. "Sorry Mr. Hat," Kyle grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest and scowling as the bus rolled down the road.

At recess Wendy was setting up her camera on a tripod so she could be in the podcast too. She'd set it up under a tree to reduce glare off the lens and had apparently recruited a small crowd during class. Many were excited to be part of a growing podcast, until they saw Kyle and Cartman.

"Aw, we thought this was Craig X Tweek," Red pouted and other grumbles were heard among the crowd.

"That's over here, girls!" Bebe waved form her own camera set up twenty feet away.

"BEBE!" Wendy gasped, "You can't do the revelation now, I'm doing it now! You can't split the crowd, it'll be less effective!"

"Who's splitting the crowd?" Bebe smirked, and Wendy saw that the entire class had gathered around Bebe. Wendy bit her lip and felt her eyes tear up.

"Oh…" she whispered and then closed her eyes and let out a scream before bursting into tears. She ran to Stan and threw her arms around his neck, burying her face in his shoulder and sobbing. "Oh Stan! It's not fair! Bebe's taking all my viewers! At this rate, I may as well give up!"

"Geez Wendy, quit being such a pussy," Cartman jeered, rolling his eyes.

"Well at least if you quit that damn podcast I'll be free of this dumbass," Kyle snapped, finding it easy now to interchange fat for dumb as he pointed to Cartman.

Cartman's eyes widened and he ran to Wendy, putting his chubby hand on her back, "Wendy, you can't just give up! You still have some viewers, you have to keep going, for them!"

Wendy sniffed, pulling back from Stan and looking at Cartman with glistening eyes. "Y-you're right Cartman. I can't just give up. As long as one yaoi crazed fan girl wants to watch Cartman X Kyle, I'll be there!"

"That's right Wendy, you'll be there," Cartman said with a smile and a nod.

"God DAMN IT!" Kyle shouted, slamming his hand against the tree.

Wendy decided to compensate and instead of a public revelation she restricted it to revealing the affair to their closest friends, Stan and Kenny. It only took a quick script re-write and was full of fluffiness and hand holding and manly hugs… though not between Stan and Kyle. When they went for it, Wendy screamed cut and broke the two up, saying that would be 'too much' or something. Kyle thought that was kind of weird, as did Stan.

"Well, I've got some editing to do!" Wendy said happily "So… oh. Since we can film anytime now, you can stay at your house tonight Kyle," she added before skipping off.

"Great. Best news I've had this week," Kyle muttered.

"TGIF man," Stan shrugged, "Want to come over and game tomorrow?"

"Sure, that sounds good," Kyle replied, relieved.

"B-but Kahl, why can't you come over anyway? We can-"

"Dude," Stan said with a frown, "Can't you see he's totally exhausted? You had him three nights in a row, so just leave it!"

"Yeah but we wouldn't even have to get up early tomorrow!" Cartman said, smiling at the thought.

"DUDE! NO!" Kyle yelled and Cartman crossed his arms and grumbled something about stinking Jews. Kyle decided to ignore that, because if he was grumbling it meant he wouldn't try to force him and Kyle didn't want to do something that would evoke that wrath.

Kyle was sleeping well that night. Until about 3:00am when he awoke to his mom yelling at him. He snorted and opened his eyes "Wha-what mom?"

"KYLE! Why does a little girl have a podcast of you performing oral sex on that fat boy from your class?"

Kyle's eyes widened. "WHAT? Wendy doesn't have footage of that!"

"Yes she does, young man!" Mrs. Brofloski snapped, yanking her elder son out of bed and dragging his into the living room to the computer. She showed him the footage. Kyle was asleep in Cartman's bed and Cartman had his dick in his mouth.

"OH THAT BASTARD, I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE EVER FALLEN ASLEEP IN THAT ROOM!" Kyle screamed, hitting the keyboard.

"Kyle, it's okay," Kyle's father was apparently here as well, but was behind Kyle's mother so Kyle didn't see him at first. "I understand that you're just… bi-curious."

And this was why by sunrise, Kyle was at the same Bi-Curious camp Butters had been to a few months earlier that year, accountabili-buddies with a rather large boy (because of muscle, not fat) who seemed to have gotten himself admitted on purpose and wasn't interested in either God or suicide. Not a good combination and Kyle _almost_ wished for Cartman back as he started having his Jewfro stroked the moment he was left along with the other boy. _Almost._

"Goddamn it, I'M NOT GAY!" Kyle shouted but no one would believe the poor Hebrew boy who was still in his pajamas.

**TBC**


	11. Oh Jesus!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Butters becomes involved.

### Cartman X Kyle XI

Cartman was watching _Terrence and Phillip_ , and eating Cheesy Poofs when the phone rang. Obviously, he waited for his mom to answer.

"Poopsikins, its for you hon!" Mrs. Cartman called from the other room.

"Geez, just when it was getting to the good part," Cartman grumbled, reaching for the phone.

_"Hey Terrance, can you check my anus? I think I have a horrid rash."_

_"Why certainly Phillip!" Fart._

_"It was a fart rash!"_ Hysterical laughter sounded, which Cartman joined in with as he picked up the phone.

_"Hello? Cartman? It's Stan."_

Cartman sighed. "Dude, I am not letting that Jew rat friend of yours go, so just forget it."

_"So then he's at your house?"_

"Huh?" Cartman glanced at the clock, "Dude, it's like, three thirty, isn't he supposed to be at your house?"

 _"No dude, he never showed up, and his mom won't tell me where he is,"_ Stan explained, sounding worried.

Cartman gaped at the phone, then his face twisted with rage. "GODDAMN IT, THAT JEW RAT SKIPPED TOWN!"

 _"Dude! No way, if he'd done that he'd at least tell me he was leaving! I think something's seriously wrong. I'm going to call Kenny just to check, and maybe Wendy but then I'm going to Kyle's house,"_ Stan said, accompanied by shouts from his sister to 'get the fuck off the phone you little twerp'.

Cartman paused. Stan had a point, he couldn't see the Hebrew boy leaving without saying goobye to Stan at least, and going over to his house today would've given him the perfect opportunity to do so.

"Okay Stan, you call around, but I'm going to Kyle's house to get whatever I can out of his Jew bitch mom," Cartman said as he hung up and began pulling on his outdoor clothes, "MOM! I'M GOING OUT!"

"Okay hon!"

Cartman hurried from his house to Kyle's as fast as his chubby legs could carry him. He ran up to the door and rang the bell repeatedly before Mrs. Brofloski opened it.

"Oh, Mrs. Brofloski. I was wondering if Kyle was home," Cartman asked in his 'sweet' voice.

"Oh, you're that little fat boy that confused Kyle! Look young man, I can't control what your mother approves of and I have no problem with gays or gaiety, but I will not have you corrupting my son with your impure thoughts and actions!"

Cartman's eyes darkened. _'Damn, she's a closet homophobe.'_ He thought bitterly. This could mean any number of things for Kyle, but he thought he knew what must've happened.

"Ma'am, did you cut up your son and serve him kosher for supper last night?"

"What what WHAT? NO! We just sent him to camp to rid himself of those dreadful thoughts! I know it's a Christian organization, but I already explained that I want my son brought back to the right side through God, not Christ. They were very understanding," Mrs. Brofloski explained.

Cartman blinked. "Aw Jesus," he groaned, slapping himself on the forehead and walking away. Kyle got sent to the same place Butter's had been sent when Cartman did the exact same thing to the blond boy. Son of a bitch. Only one thing to do, then,

~~@~~

"I-I'm sorry Eric, but I can't go help you break Kyle out of bi-curious camp right now. My mum and dad already grounded me this morning for putting the crackers back in the wrong spot again. Serves me right! But this'll make them awful sore," Butters explained, wringing his hands at his front door.

Cartman groaned. "No, no, Butter's, listen. You're the only one who knows where this place is. If you don't help me, Kyle could be stuck there for weeks before he realizes he has to make them believe he's gay and THEN act cured! Are you really going to just leave Kyle in a place like that? He's too delicate! He'll be raped in the first twenty four hours if he got a room with anyone bigger then him!"

"Geez Eric, I didn't know you cared about Kyle so much… wait, GAY? B-but my dad said it was a camp for people who were bi-curious!"

"That's what bi-curious means Butters. It means you're gay."

Butters gaped a moment and stared before giving a yelp. "OH JESUS! I'm not gay!"

"Yes, yes you are, Butters. Now come on and help me break Kyle out," Cartman ordered with a sigh, grabbing the blond boy's wrist and dragging the him down his front steps.

"Oh hamburgers," Butters moaned as the fat boy pushed Butters over to the bikes.

Meanwhile in bi-curious camp, Kyle was running into the cafeteria, breathing hard.

"Hey! Camp councilor!" Kyle gasped.

"What is it Kyle? Hey, where's Drake, your accountibilibuddy?"

"It's about him, he was groping-"

"Kyle, you know you have to stay with your accountibilibuddy! I know you only just arrived, bit that's rule number one!" the councilor snapped, pointing to a plaque on the wall that read that very rule, "Now go back to your room!"

"But-"

"NOW, Kyle!"

"Goddamnit," Kyle muttered, going back to his room as a child nearby shot himself in the head.

"Aw, not another one!" the councilor groaned before calling the custodian.

Back in the room the large boy, Drake, grinned. His shirt was off and he was rubbing his stomach.

"So, where were we, Kyle?" he asked in a deep voice with a slow grin. Kyle thought he might cry at the unfairness of it all. He wasn't gay damn it! And he so wasn't missing Cartman!

Wait… why'd that last thing gone through his mind? SHIT!

**TBC**


	12. Butters is Overworked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poor Butters

### Cartman X Kyle XII

"What do you mean _'you think we're lost'_ , Butters?!" Cartman shouted at the blond boy who had stopped his bike at a fork in the road and was looking around uncertainly. There were trees on both sides of this stretch of highway and it was getting dark.

"I mean what I said, Eric! I don't know where we are, and it's getting dark, and I want to go home!"

"Urg, stop whining Butters and try to think! Which way was next?"

"I don't know, Eric! I only got driven there once and it wasn't dark then!" Butters was beginning to get hysterical, much to Cartman's annoyance.

"Aw shit Butters," Cartman growled, covering his face with his hands, "Okay. We'll do hypnosis again," he pulled out a pendulum and got off his bike, "Butter's, you're getting sleepy."

"Huh? No I'm not- zzzzzzz…"

"Good, now think back to your trip to bi-curious camp Butters. Where did you go after you went over to the bridge at the river?"

"I went… to a fork and… turned right."

Cartman snapped his fingers and motioned the distressed and confused Butters to turn right. He wondered how many more times he's have to hypnotize the little prick before they got to the damned prison that Jew bitch had sent Kyle to.

~~@~~

Back in South Park, Stan Marsh had finally gotten the phone after Shelley's three hour phone call to her latest boyfriend. After confirming that Kyle hadn't been seen by Kenny that day due to the boy in the orange coat having had an early death that morning by slipping in the shower, he called Wendy.

"Oh, hello Stan!" Wendy had caller ID.

"Hi Wendy. Have you seen Kyle?" Stan asked, worry edging his words.

"Huh? Kyle?" Wendy frowned, glaring at the phone, "No, I haven't Stan. I called his house and Cartman's but neither of them are home to go over our new script!"

"Cartman's still gone too?" Stan blinked in surprise, "That's weird… Wendy, this started with Kyle. We should go to his house and see if Kyle's mom can tell us anything."

"Y-you want me to go with you Stan?" Wendy gasped.

"Yeah, Kenny's dead, and I don't really want to go alone so-"

"I'll be right over!" Wendy cried happily and hung up. Stan stared at the phone and then sighed, wondering what the hell could've happened to his best friend and why his girlfriend had been acting like a freak all week.

~~@~~

"Over the hill… and… around the corner… we were there," Butters said in monotone and Cartman snapped his fingers.

"About damn time," Cartman grumbled. It was already very dark and he would've been cramping up if he hadn't given up peddling and made Butters ride his bike while he rode on the handle bars. This was quite terrifying for Butters who had to rely on Cartman's directions that he was shouting as he couldn't see past the bulk in front of him. Cartman snapped his fingers in annoyance. "Hurry up that hill, Butters!"

"Aw, Eric, I'm exhausted!" Butters puffed, but the spineless boy complied none the less. They'd be there within the hour at this rate at least.

~~@~~

Kyle was pinned down on the bed. His shirt had long been torn off him and Drake was rubbing and licking all over his bare chest. Kyle would still be screaming for help, and struggling, but the other boy was strong, and the Jewish boy's voice had gotten hoarse. For some reason no one could hear his cries outside the room.

"You know, making the rooms soundproof really helps me sleep better at night, without those depressing screams and gunshots all the time," one councilor said to another in the staff room at that exact moment.

Kyle closed his eyes as the much larger boy pulled down his pants and the Hebrew shook hard as the hands groped lower…

~~@~~

"FINALLY!" Cartman shouted as Butters had finally peddled all the way to the door of bi-curious camp, "Okay Butters, now hurry back on foot and get your own bike from the bushes further down the road so we can all go home after this," Cartman ordered quickly before rushing inside.

"Urg…" Butters moaned and struggled off Cartman's bike. He walked two feet on jelly legs before collapsing in the dark beside a trash can and fell asleep.

~~@~~

"Please… NO!" Kyle cried in his hoarse voice as Drake positioned himself over him.

"ARG!" the other boy screamed as he fell forward and blood pooled around him. Kyle lay, shaking, on the bed and carefully peered at whoever had saved him.

"Why, hello Kyle. Cheating on me now, are we?" Cartman asked, swinging a gun he seemed to have acquired as randomly as any of the suicide victims in this crazy establishment.

"I was getting raped, Cartman!" Kyle snapped, still hoarse and shaky as he stumbled across the room for his clothes that Drake had thrown. He tried to ignore Cartman staring at him. As he started pulling on his clothes Cartman wiped the gun for prints and planted it in the dead boy's hand.

"Don't you think it's suspicious that the gun shot is in the _back_ of his head?" Kyle asked as he finished doing up his jacket.

"You're right Kyle," Cartman nodded and turned the gun around in Drake's hand to face the opposite direction. "That ought to take care of it."

Kyle gaped a moment, then shook his head. "Whatever. So… what the hell are you doing here?"

"I'm breaking you out, duh," Cartman said as he rolled his eyes.

"So is Wendy nearby filming this act of heroism?" Kyle asked darkly, putting his stuff together in his back pack. He was more then ready to get out of this place.

Cartman raised an eyebrow. "No… damn that would've been a good idea!" he growled.

"So you came all the way out here on your own?" Kyle asked in surprise.

"No, I had Butters lead the way," Cartman said as if that should be obvious.

"Oh. Well, still," Kyle said shifting uncomfortably, "Th-thanks Cart-Eric. Thanks Eric," he smiled a little.

Cartman crossed the room with his own smile and put a hand on Kyle's shoulder. "No problem Kahl. No one keeps my Jew boy slave prisoner but me."

Kyle leaned back away from Cartman and gaped a second before scowling and pushing the fat boy away. "Goddamnit you racist BASTARD!"

**TBC**


	13. Long Ride Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Such a long ride.

### Cartman X Kyle XIII

Cartman had already shot most of the guards so the two boys got out of the building pretty easily, only two more firing rounds were needed.

"Cartman… why are you so good at firing a gun?" Kyle asked after the second one.

"I don't know, it's in my blood I guess," Cartman shrugged.

~~@~~

"Yay! I got another one!" Mrs. Cartman smiled in her bikini as another puppy fell at 50 yards away at the shooting range she was currently at.

"Yeah, yeah Mrs. Cartman! This puppy-shooting erotic movie will be a big sell in Japan, I'm sure of it this time!" Mrs. Cartman's agent grinned as the video camera ran at different angles.

~~@~~

Cartman ran up to his bike and looked around. "Damn it, that bastard Butters must've left already. Okay, you get on the bike and I'll ride on the handle bars."

"DUDE! How a I supposed to steer like that? Besides, your bike's too big for me!" Kyle snapped. Cartman sighed.

"Fine, you ride on the handlebars then, Jew," Cartman muttered and got on his bike. It took Kyle two tries to jump up on the handle bars, clutching his bag to his chest as Cartman unsteadily started down the driveway to the road, right past the trashcan behind which Butters had fainted.

The trip back to South Park was long and grueling. The sun was rising by the time they got back. They wouldn't have made it if it weren't for Kyle's near photographic memory and how he had in fact traveled to bi-curious camp in the dark the first time. However, Kyle was also tired, so as they reached the outskirts of South Park he'd basically leaned back so far that his head was on Cartman's shoulder and he was snoring gently.

"Aw, come on dude, it's hard to steer like that," Cartman mumbled as he rode into town, though he didn't move to wake the sleeping red head. As they travelled down main street they passed a bus heading out the way they had come.

Cartman at first headed for Kyle's house but then it occurred to him that Kyle's mom would likely send him straight back to bi-curious camp. So apparently he'd have to hide the Jewish boy at his house. The fat boy was quite pleased with this conclusion as he switched his course to his own home.

~~@~~

Wendy and Stan were deeply involved in scrutinzing the paper that was addressing the schematics for breaking Kyle out of bi-curious camp as they rode the bus out of town. Mrs. Brofloski had tried to hide where she'd sent Kyle at first, but when she found out Wendy had started that podcast she got so mad that in her ranting she'd accidently told them about the bi-curious camp. A quick Google search revealed directions to the place and the bus route to get there. Go figure.

~~@~~

Butters opened his eyes blearily and stumbled from behind the trashcan, yawning widely. Immediately he was grabbed by two guards and yanked inside the institution.

"YOU!" the head councilor gasped as Butters was brought before him, "You were that kid who refused to be saved! After that little speech you made, suicide rates went down by 30% but rapes have been up 65%!"

"Oh geez, I'm sorry Mister," Butters apologized, wringing his hands.

"Well we'll make an example of you, young man! We'll prove no matter how far gone you are, you CAN and WILL be made straight!"

"B-but… I'M NOT GAY!" Butter wailed as the guards closed in.

The councilor smiled. "That's right Butters, your just bi-curious. And we're going to cure you."

~~@~~

When Kyle opened his eyes, he found himself aching all over from riding on Cartman's handle bars all night. He groaned and tried to sit up but found himself pushed back onto the mattress.

"AH! Hey! Cartman? What the hell am I doing in your room?" Kyle snapped at the fat boy who had apparently been watching him as he slept.

"Well I couldn't bring you back to your room; your mom would've just sent you back to that stupid camp! Now just shut up and sleep some more. You're the own whose been complaining all week about getting no sleep," Cartman ordered and Kyle blinked.

"Well… yeah I guess my mom would probably do that," Kyle muttered, "But still, I can't just hide at your house forever!"

"Huh? Why the hell not?" Cartman asked angrily.

"Are you serious? Because first of all I have to go outside eventually, and my mom could see me, and then I could get homesick, and I have to go to school, not to mention Wendy'll be pissed because her podcast'll be really boring if we're in here all the time," Kyle sighed.

Cartman shrugged. "Maybe, but I can't seem to get Wendy on the phone, and Stan's gone too."

"Huh? Hey… you don't think they went to break me out too, do you?" Kyle said, sitting up in panic.

"No, that'd be retarded because I already saved you, Jew," Cartman snapped, rolling his eyes and pushing Kyle back down again, "Now go back to sleep."

"Goddamn it Cartman!" Kyle yelled, pushing himself up forcibly.

Cartman twitched in irritation. "I'm trying to be nice, Kyle! And you're not supposed to call me Cartman!"

"I don't CARE! I'll call you whatever I want because I've HAD it! Besides, if Wendy's not here then she can't post that picture and before she GETS back, I'm going to go to her house, break her computer and flush out and destroy every copy of that damn picture she has!" Kyle shouted, jumping out of bed and running for the door.

"NO KAHL! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" Cartman screamed, running after the Jewish boy.

"Oh yes I can fat ass, so BACK OFF!" he pushed Cartman hard against the wall and took off down the hall and out Cartman's front door, heading straight for Wendy's house.

**TBC**


	14. I'M GAY!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So he is...

### Cartman X Kyle XIV

By the time Cartman had caught up to Kyle, the Jewish boy had already smashed Wendy's new computer with the modem speed upgrade and was searching Wendy's room for the photos. Both Wendy's parents were at work making this a plausible situation.

"Kahl! Kahl stop it!" Cartman gasped, trying to hold back the Jewish red head but Kyle plowed along despite the handicap.

"No Cartman! And quit calling me Kahl! I only got sent to bi-curious camp in the first place because of you, Wendy and this goddamned picture! So I'll burn them all and I'll be free of this stupid podcast and you!" Kyle shouted as he tore apart Wendy's closet. Cartman tried harder to pull the Hebrew away but soon was forced to give up when Kyle jabbed him in the ribs… or in the approximate vicinity thereof. It's hard to plot those things under the fat.

"Wait," Cartman said suddenly and Kyle actually did pause a moment at this, "If I found a copy of this picture… then you'd _HAVE_ to answer to me! I wouldn't need to work through Wendy!"

Kyle gaped. "Cartman… no. Oh shit, you fat bastard!" he started searching faster but Cartman was looking on the other side of the room and working fast as well. They were in a race it seemed, the winner finding the pictures and being the ruler of Kyle's existence.

~~@~~

Meanwhile, Butters was in a dark room, attached to one of those chain contraptions where you turn a crank and it stretches you. (The Rack isn't it?)

"AAAAH!" Butters screamed.

"Come on, say it Butters!" the councilor ordered, pushing at the crank. There were three others flanking his sides, along with a mess of campers the councilor called 'the worst cases'. This included but was not limited to a blond boy named Steven, a burly boy called Madison, the little pig/Garrison sired by their teacher Mr. Garrison back in the 3rd grade, and an oriental boy named Wang Chu "SAY IT!"

"S-stop it! I'm not gay!" Butters was beginning to cry.

"NO! You are gay! Admit it and be cured!"

"N-no, then you'll just keep me here longerrrrr…." Butters wailed, thrashing.

"Then feel the pain of homosexuality, Butters!" the councilor said as he turned the crank.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Butters moaned and wailed as his bones creaked in protest, "Alright! Alright! I'm gay! Bi-curious… or whatever! I like men! Now let me go, let me go!" Butters sobbed.

"B-Butters?" the lights flipped on. They were all revealed to be in the janitor's closet. Stan and Wendy were standing at the door holding hands.

"Aw, come on you're wrecking the mood…" the councilor pouted.

"You guys! You've gotta save me!" Butters shouted from the chains, swallowing as tears still leaked down his cheeks.

"Okay Butters, but first, do you know where Kyle is?" Stan asked.

"Well, I don't know. I passed out but I think Eric went in here last night to save him."

"Then they might be back in South Park by now," Wendy said in surprise, "We may even have passed them on the bus!"

"Well that's a relief," Stan sighed, "Okay, you guys let Butters go and we can leave."

"But he's gay, a sinner!" the councilor gaped, "You little heterosexuals needn't contaminate yourselves!"

"Yeah well you know what mister, I learned something today," Stan said, "It doesn't matter if your friend likes boys or girls or even both, because they're still your friend and being a homosexual doesn't make you different from anyone else. We all love, and love is beautiful!"

"Yay Stan!" Wendy cheered, her camera rolling.

"Wendy!" Stan exclaimed in annoyance at the girl's camera, "Turn that off!"

The councilor sniffed, "That was beautiful little straight boy. Alright, we'll let your little homo friend go," the councilor sniffed and burnt into tears as he cut Butters free of the chains.

"Thanks, fellows!" Butters smiled, sniffing.

"Yeah, no problem," Stan shrugged, "So we can go home now right?" Stan asked but Wendy was off asking the campers if they'd like to make out for her camera, "Oh Goddamn it."

~~@~~

"FOUND THEM!" Kyle exclaimed in glory after he pulled up the fourth floor board under Wendy's bed. In a shoe box were 24 copies of the picture.

"NO!" Cartman yelled, lunging at Kyle. The Jew leapt back, jostling the box and ran out of the room. "NO! NOOOO!" Cartman cried in rage. He stared at the floor. His eyes widened. A single picture had fallen from the box (which Kyle was already burning outside).

Cartman picked up the picture. "Thank you Jesus!" he grinned and then took a look at it. His piggy eyes bulged and he turned it to a couple of angles, "Dude… is that a moose?"

Then a car pulled up in the driveway and Cartman showed the picture in his pants before running and leaping out Wendy's bedroom window into her tree and climbing down as Wendy's parents entered the house.

"Cartman, I'm going to Kenny's and I swear to God we will never speak of this AGAIN" Kyle snapped and started away.

"Oh, won't we Kahl?" Cartman smirked, "Well it just so happens that I have your picture. A copy fell out of the box you just burned."

"Y-you're bluffing," Kyle stammered, suddenly fearful.

"Yes. It's down my pants right now."

"Then if you've got it, what's it of?" Kyle snapped.

"Well, there's a moose in what appears to be an e-"

"Okay, okay you saw it!" Kyle shouted, looking around fearfully.

"Yes, so we'll be heading back to my house then won't we?" Cartman said with his 'sweet' smile. "Won't we Kahl?"

**TBC**


	15. Bound and Gagged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh Cartman

### Cartman X Kyle XV

Kyle lay quietly on Cartman's bed as the fat boy went out to get a bunch of USB ports and photocopies of the picture. He had to sit quietly. After the two boys had reached Cartman's house, Cartman had covered Kyle's face with an chlorafoam soaked cloth so he'd pass out, and then proceeded to bind and gag the little Jewish boy.

" _Mmph mmph mmph!_ " Kyle swore into his gag and decided this must be how Kenny felt all the time.

Speaking of Kenny, that was exactly who Cartman had left to guard his Jewish prisoner.

"Mmph mmph, mmph mmph mmph mmphmmph," Kenny said apologetically, showing the $50 bill Cartman had given him.

"Mmphmmphmmph mmph" Kyle sighed, not really mad at the poor boy in the orange parka. Even if Cartman hadn't paid Kenny to watch him, the fatass had wasted no effort making it virtually impossible for him to escape the ropes tied around him. First he's bound his arms and legs, then wrapped the rope around from ankles to chin, so he sort of looked like he was wearing something like a rope straight jacket. Having Kenny present at least added the benefit of his sympathy. That God for that.

Cartman at last returned, arms full of copies of the damning picture and USBs. He quickly blindfolded the protesting Kyle and hid these variously around his room and then had Kenny help him hide them around the rest of his house and backyard. He returned to the bedroom and at last removed Kyle's blindfold and gag, but not the ropes.

"DUDE! What the HELL?!" Kyle screamed as soon as the gag came out.

"Now no matter how hard you look, you'll never find them all!" Cartman laughed "So I'll always have the upper hand now Kahl!"

"You know what Cartman? Fuck you. You can just go fuck yourself you fucking faggot son of a whore!" Kyle shouted and Kenny tried to interject.

"mmph-"

"Kenny, this is between me and Kyle, so can you leave now? I'll call you if I need anything else," Cartman sighed.

"MMPH!"

"Get out of here Kenny."

Kenny stared at Kyle, "Mmph? Mmph?"

"Because I know that Cartman will probably end up doing something disgusting to make you leave and I'd rather not be subjected to that."

"Mmph," Kenny shifted uncomfortably before adding uncertainly, "Mmph, mmph mmph mmph mmph," the be-parkaed boy left the room, glancing back over his shoulder as he went and walking straight into a large knife protruding from the wall at died.

"Oh my god, they killed Kenny! You bastards!" Kyle gasped, then sighed. "It just doesn't sound right without Stan. Why the hell is there a knife sticking out of your wall anyway, Cartman?"

"I don't know," Cartman shrugged, "Maybe my mom had that knife throwing guy from the circus over again last night."

"God, your mom really IS a whore Cartman," Kyle sighed. He would've shaken his head but the ropes prevented that.

Cartman twitched as he shut his bedroom door so Kenny's dead eyes wouldn't be staring at them. He looked at Kyle. "Okay, you know what? You're right. You're fucking right, Kahl. My mom is a dirty whore. There. I admitted it." Cartman watched Kyle's expression.

"Um… okay…" the Hebrew replied, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes Kyle, my mother is a whore," Cartman said slowly, standing over the Jewish boy, "And your mother is a big fat bitch."

"HEY! DON'T CALL MY MOM A BITCH, CARTMAN!" Kyle shouted in anger.

Cartman put his finger to Kyle's lips and shook his head. Kyle looked about to talk anyway, so the fat boy clamped one hand over Kyle's mouth.

"Kyle, your mother is a bitch. I admitted my mom is a whore because it's just true and I'm not going to fight you about it anymore. But your mom is a bitch Kyle, that's also true."

"Mmph mmph MMPH!"

"Yes it IS, Kyle!" Cartman growled, "She KILLED Terrence and Phillip that one time! She gets mad over everything and sent you to bi-curious camp! And I assure you that worrying about your mother kicking you out of the house for a picture like that is not normal! Your mother is a bitch. And when I remove my hand Kahl, I want you to admit it."

Kyle glared. "Mmph MMPH MMPH MMPH!"

"Look Kyle, I'm fucking right okay you little Jew rat, so admit your mom's a bitch! She fucking IS! Just close your eyes and THINK about it!" Cartman shouted. Kyle twitched and closed his eyes.

In Kyle's mind the 9-year-old Jewish boy went over all he knew about his mother. All her rants. All her riots. All her lies 'for his own good'. Everything. And he realized that he knew. He knew that his mom was a bitch, a big fat one at that. But to admit that would be to agree with Cartman. To agree to one of his basic insults.

Still… Cartman WAS right. He couldn't escape that fact. He sighed deeply and opened his eyes.

"Mmph," Kyle sighed and Cartman carefully removed his hand, "Fine. My mom's a bitch. Are you happy now?" Kyle asked in irritation.

Cartman then leaned over and kissed Kyle, very softly, on his lips. "Yes Kahl, I'm very happy."

The Jewish boy flushed as red as his hair.

"DUDE!"

**TBC**


	16. Don't Fuck With Wendy Testiburger

### Cartman X Kyle XVI

After a long bus ride, Wendy said goodbye to Stan with a kiss and skipped home as Stan escorted Butters, who was still rather upset, back to his own house. She felt better than she had all week and was confident she had nothing to worry about regarding Stan and her relationship. Bebe could have her Craig X Tweek podcast. Truth was, Wendy had lost most of her viewers to the blond girl's show anyway. Instead, she decided that with her video footage she had procured at bi-curious camp she'd start a homosexual relationship fan girl website instead. Blackmailing Kyle was sort of wrong and she knew it. She decided to get rid of the pictures and set the little red head free when she got home.

When she did get home however, her parents told her that someone had trashed her room. She ran upstairs in panic and the first thing she saw was the floorboard pulled up and the shoebox with the pictures was gone. So Kyle must've broken in and taken them. Oh well, maybe it was for the bes- WHAT THE HELL?!

"WHAT THE HELL YOU JEWISH BASTARD!" Wendy screamed as she saw the remains of her precious yaoi-watching computer. "NO!" she fell to her knees, rage coursing through her. He'd pay for this. He. Would. PAY!

She reached into her pink jacket and withdrew the very copy of the picture that she'd shown to Kyle the previous Tuesday. Her eyes flashed and she rose, heading for the living room computer. It was slower, and bad for watching videos and anime, but it had a scanner, and she was going straight to the school's website.

~~@~~

Stan burst into Cartman's room as the fat boy was playing Kyle's DS and Kyle was reading on Cartman's computer chair, seeming bored. Cartman had untied him, but on the condition that he stay in Cartman's house under Cartman's supervision. After Kyle admitted his mom was a bitch, Cartman had managed to reason out of him the fact that he'd be much better off at Cartman's house than his own, as he definitely didn't want to be sent back to bi-curious camp and his mom- being a bitch- would not believe that he had almost been raped there.

Anyway, Stan burst in and Kyle looked up.

"Stan!" he said happily.

"Yeah, I thought I'd find you here," Stan nodded, "You have to tell me, why the FUCK was that moose in a dress?"

"Mmph, mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph MMPH?!" Kenny asked, waving his arms, wide eyed. It was after school on Monday, so Kenny was back. Cartman had skipped school, and since he was thought to be at bi-curious camp, Kyle wasn't expected a school anyway. They'd shared the bed again to Kyle's distaste, but surprisingly he'd managed a near good night's sleep despite Cartman accidently rolling on top of him and nearly crushing him at four in the morning.

"Oh, I think it looked like spaghetti," Stan said, giving his opinion on Kenny's question, "But was that in your BASEMENT dude?"

"Okay, that was one big accident, but how'd you find that picture?" Kyle asked, wide eyed.

"Oh, right, Wendy posted it on the school website," Stan explained.

"DUDE!" Kyle cried in shock and jumped up from the computer chair.

"H-huh? Stan, Kenny, what're you doing here?" Cartman started, looking up from his game.

"Wendy posted the picture, Cartman, she must've had another copy," Kyle groaned. Then he brightened. "Hey… that means your pictures are all worthless Cartman! You don't have anything on me now, things can hardly get worse!"

"WHAT?! But I spent $300 photocopying and buying those USBs!" Cartman exclaimed in horror.

"Mmph, mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph," Kenny couldn't help but say in laughter.

"HEY!" Cartman snapped.

"Sick dude," Kyle snorted in laughter as well and then smiled, "Well, then I'm free of that anyway! Sweet! So Stan, can I hide at your house till my mom calms down?"

"Sure dude," Stan shrugged.

"No! B-but Kahl, you don't want to stay with me?" Cartman asked, looking like he might actually cry. Kyle hesitated, but then scowled.

"NO! I don't want to be fucking raped okay?" Kyle shouted, "All the time, you look at me like I'm a freaking Cheesy Poof! So just stop it!"

Cartman's eyes widened, and he took some deep breaths. His tears cleared, but his voice cracked as he said, "Fine Kyle. What," crack, "ever. I don't need you," his voice sped up, "around so get the hell out of here! Who the hell needs you anyway!" Cartman was yelling now, "STINKING JEW PIECE OF CRAP! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! GET OUT!" he picked up a baseball bat lying in the corner of his room and started swinging it.

"JESUS CHRIST!" Stan yelled, and the three other boys took off out of the house, terrified by the level of Cartman's rage.

"Mmph, mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph?" Kenny asked, breathing hard, once they'd gotten outside and halfway down the block.

Kyle's eyes widened. "Oh SHIT I forgot about Scott Tenormen! W-well… what would Cartman do to me for... for uh…"

"Breaking up with him?" Stan suggested.

"WE WEREN'T GOING OUT!"

"I know, dude! I mean, well, maybe to Cartman you were so…"

"Forget it! I don't care WHAT he does! He can kill me and I don't care because I'd rather be DEAD than his slave!" Kyle ranted, "Come on Stan, let's go to your house," he added in a grumble.

"Okay dude but geez, calm down," Stan said with a raised eyebrow.

~~@~~

Cartman sat in his room quietly. He had finished crying, and now his insides boiled with rage.

"Well then Kyle… if I can't have you…" Cartman smiled to himself in that sick, twisted way that will not allow anyone to mistake the end of that sentence to be _'I'll move on with my life and all can just be the same as usual and we'll never speak of this again.'_

**TBC**


	17. Skimming

### Cartman X Kyle XVII

Stan wasn't sure he could trust his parents not to alert Kyle's parents as to his friend's location, so Stan snuck Kyle into his room via bedroom window and tree.

"You know, we're really lucky all the houses in the South Park have trees right next to the windows," Stan said as Kyle landed on the floor and shut the window behind him.

"NO! If we were lucky there wouldn't be ANY trees so I couldn't have snuck out of my room to Cartman's house in the first place!" Kyle screamed, throwing himself down on Stan's bed. Stand stared at his friend.

"Dude, you seem really upset about this. I mean, I think I understand now why you didn't want that picture out, but you seem more mad about Cartman than the picture," Stan pointed out.

"Well of course I'm mad about Cartman!" Kyle raged, looking up from the mattress, "He spent the past week doing everything short of raping me!"

Stan raised an eyebrow. "Well… okay dude, but you're free now and whatever, so usually in this sort of situation you're willing to just get over it."

Kyle paused, seeming surprised but then scowled. "What are you saying, Stan? That I secretly liked Cartman but couldn't even admit it to myself because he's a total racist bastard? That now that I've had the chance to get away from Cartman I'm suddenly upset because now I can't hide behind the fact I had no choice and spend every night with that fat racist's warm, sweaty body wrapped around me?" Kyle froze, eyes wide.

"Um, I just thought you were tired or something…" Stan said with a frown.

Kyle jumped off the bed and walked across the room, eyes wide and wondering. "I-I didn't mean any of that… did I? I-I can't like Cartman! He's… he's… well he's evil, that's what he is! If I like Cartman then it'd be like Harry Potter liking Draco Malfoy! Like Jesus liking Satan!"

"Dude, are you saying you're equal to Harry Potter?" Stan asked disdainfully.

"W-well… maybe that was going a bit far…" Kyle admitted, "But you get my point right? I can't like Eric Cartman!"

Stan frowned, looking downcast, "Well Kyle… um, have you seen that podcast Wendy made of you?"

"Only the part where Cartman stuck his penis in my mouth while I was asleep," Kyle scowled, "And why would I watch that anyway? I was there most of it and I don't think I WANT to see the rest of it!" he paused, "What, did YOU watch it?"

Stan looked uncomfortable, "Well… Wendy sort of begged me to, but… my point is, maybe you should watch it."

"STAN! DINNER!" Stan's mom called from downstairs.

"COMING!" Stan called, "Look dude, my computer's right there. Just… just watch it. Maybe if you watch it, you'll see… something that will help you understand how you feel." The blue hatted boy shrugged and headed downstairs. Kyle's head turned towards the computer. He silently approached the glowing screen and logged on to the internet. He brought up i-Tunes and checked Stan's podcast list. There was Wendy's podcast.

"Alright," he swallowed, "I-I'll just do this and then I'll know for sure that I do NOT like Cartman, not now or ever," Kyle swallowed once more before pressing the play button.

"Some will tell you that Cartman and Kyle hated each other, this is true," Wendy's voice came as narrator on the black screen, "Some will say this hatred ran deep…"

"Aw Jesus, I can skip this crap," Kyle muttered to himself, clicking headed on the loading bar.

"I love your double chin, your racist attitude, you're…" Kyle's voice came loud and clear from the roof where Wendy had been watching before.

"Aw come on that's nothing! Wendy told me to say that!" Kyle snapped at no one in particular, "Geez, I saw all this…" he clicked ahead on the loading bar again.

"I told you I loved you and you didn't believe me so apparently I'm showing you now," Kyle said in monotone.

"O-oh dude!' Kyle flinched as he watching himself make out with Cartman. Wendy had set this to some of the Twilight soundtrack and Kyle thought he might vomit. Still… despite the music Kyle did notice that their bodies did seem to fit together well… oh God NO! Kyle clicked ahead rapidly, trying to avoid this, but did stop a moment as Cartman smiled before the fade out. He shivered a little as the podcast's second episode started up.

~~@~~

In Cartman's room, the rotund boy was crying again as Wendy's podcast ran in the background. In his hands he was putting together his water balloons filled with gasoline. He turned when his night with Kyle appeared on the screen. He saw himself sticking his penis in the red head's mouth, as well as licking the boy's chest and of course making out with him for several hours. All after the use of sedatives so the boy would not wake up naturally.

~~@~~

"DUDE!" Kyle yelled, though at the same time downstairs Shelley threw Stan against the wall, so he went unnoticed. He had his eyes closed and was clicking ahead on the loading bar as fast as he could, the single scenes through squinted eyes burning into his photographic memory.

Then the scene with the 'confession' came up. It was really corny. Really, REALLY corny. He clicked ahead out of boredom.

The podcast was over.

"Huh? But that told me nothing!' Kyle snapped as Stan entered the room again, slightly bruised, "Stan! This podcast didn't tell me anything!"

Stan blinked. "Oh, oh wait I might've been thinking of Bebe's podcast. Look here, dude," Stan said, bringing up Craig X Tweek.

"You know what Tweek, I know that we've fought a lot in the past. Hell, we even put each other in the hospital," Craig said in his monotone, scratchy voice, stilted as he recited an apparent script, "But all this fighting has brought us closer together. Fighting is chemistry too, and any two people who spend a lot of time together will probably end up feeling attracted to each other at some point."

Tweek twitched uncontrollably. "ARG! TOO MUCH PRESSURE!"

Kyle turned the computer chair around to face Stan. "So… it's only natural for me to like Cartman, since we've spent so much time together over the years and especially over the last week, like Stockholm Syndrome. Is that it, Stan?"

"That's it dude," Stan nodded, smiling, "So, even if you do like Cartman, it's not like you like everything about him or anything. You just have a mild sexual attraction created by too much time hanging around with the fat ass, and maybe being gay. You'll get over the liking Cartman part."

Kyle smiled. "Thanks dude, you're right. I should just accept it, and wait for it to pass. I'm okay with maybe being gay, but not with liking the fat ass."

Then Stan's mom came in. She stared at Kyle, then Stan, then the screen with Craig and Tweek making out without shirts on.

"STAN! What are you doing? I'm calling Mrs. Broflovski right now!"

"Goddamn it," Kyle groaned.

**TBC**


	18. Blaming Stockholm Syndrome

### Cartman X Kyle XVIII

"KYLE!" Mrs. Broflovski yelled as she rushed inside the door and grabbed her son, surprising him immensely by hugging him. "Oh, I was so worried about you, sweetheart! I called you at bi-curious camp but they said you were no where to be found and I've been worried sick ever since! Why on earth would you run away all by yourself!?"

"W-well-" Kyle choked, trying to push himself out of his mother's crushing grip, "I wasn't exactly alone, Cartman sort of busted me out. He came in just as my roommate was trying to rape me."

"What what WHAT?!" Mrs. Broflovski yelled.

"But it's okay, he's dead now."

"Wha-?"

"Please don't send me back there! Please! I won't be gay anymore I swear!" Kyle wailed and burst into tears.

"Oh Kyle, it's okay. I can't send you back there anyway, they shut down because apparently someone convinced the councilor in charge that it was okay to be homosexual so he retired to marry his counseling partner Jerry. But I'm glad you're not gay anymore," Mrs. Broflovski explained.

Kyle blinked. "Really? So I can go home and everything can just go back to normal?"

"Yes Kyle," his mother smiled.

"SWEET!" Kyle cheered and hugged his mom. Stan however was called to his room by his father for a 'talk' about keeping boys in his room and watching gay podcasts. Well, at least he couldn't be sent to bi-curious camp.

~~@~~

The only downside to things going back to normal was that Kyle had to go to school on Tuesday. It was exactly one week from the day this whole crap of an adventure started. Kyle was looking forward to finally going back to fighting with the fat ass and getting into one crazy adventure after another.

"Hey dude," Kyle waved to Stan at the bus stop.

"Hey Kyle," Stan waved back.

"Mmph mmph."

"Hey Kenny," Stan and Kyle said together

"Mmph, mmph mphmph?" Kenny asked.

"I don't know where Cartman is, he's late isn't he…" Kyle said with a frown.

"Oh, he's probably just crying, or sick or something," Stan shrugged, "He'll get over it."

"Sick? Why would he be sick?" Kyle asked in surprise.

"I don't know dude, maybe biking all night on Saturday gave him a cold or something."

"Oh… oh yeah," Kyle said shuffling his feet. Eric had done that for him hadn't he? WAIT! He meant Cartman, not Eric! Damn it!

"Dude, you don't still have that Stockholm Syndrome crush do you?" Stan asked, wide eyed.

"I-I don't know, dude," Kyle replied with a sigh, "M-maybe I do. But I don't want to!"

"Mmph, mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph, mmph?"

"Yeah," Stan nodded.

"Mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph, mmph MMPH, mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph."

"Exactly," Stan nodded again.

"Mmph mmph 'mph' mmph mmph mmph, mmphmphmph mmphmph mmph mmph mmph!"

"Right," Stan said with a final nod "So everything will be okay Kyle, don't worry about it."

Kyle raised an eyebrow. "Dude, that happened to your brother?"

"Mmph mmph, mmph."

"Weird," Kyle said with a frown as the bus pulled up and Mr. Hat's eerie silence greeted them. "Oh yeah, sorry, I wasn't at school yesterday Mr. Hat." More eerie silence "Oh yeah, I'm fine." More eerie silence. "Wh-what are you saying? I do not! That podcast was all Wendy's idea!" Kyle ran to the back of his bus and buried himself in the back of the bus seat. Stan and Kenny looked at each other.

"Mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph?"

Stan sighed. "I agree man, but Kyle's never going to accept it. I just hope Cartman doesn't do anything drastic about this."

Kenny nodded and sighed before the two boys followed Kyle to the back of the bus.

~~@~~

When Kyle, Stan and Kenny got into class they found Cartman sitting at his desk.

"Dude, what are you doing here? You missed the bus," Stan said taking his own seat as the rest of the class filed in.

"I decided to come to school a little early today guys," Cartman said smiling, with a slight tilt to his eyebrows. Kyle didn't like that.

"What are you talking about fat ass? You never come to school early!" Kyle snapped.

Cartman sent a fully fledged glare at the Jewish boy and Kyle's eyes widened as Mr. Garrison started the follow-up lesson on how Twilight would be the cause of every creator of Titanic to rise from the grave as REAL vampires and drain every drop of blood out of Stephanie Myer, ushering in a new golden era of literature.

~~@~~

At lunch, Kyle sat at the lunch table uncomfortably. Cartman had run out to the bathroom and Stan and Kenny noticed their Jewish friend seemed upset.

"Kyle… Kenny and I sort of have been talking and… um…" Stan sighed deeply, "Well…"

"Mmph…" Kenny sighed deeply as well.

"What? Spit it out!" Kyle snapped.

"We don't think your crush on Cartman is Stockholm Syndrome."

"WHAT? But it has to be! You said so yourself, Stan!" Kyle argued.

Stan nodded seriously. "I know dude but… that was right after we got you away from Cartman. But you're still upset about it, and I don't know, maybe you really like Cartman."

"I DO NOT!" Kyle screamed in frustration. Then there was loud screaming, smoke pouring into the room from the hallway.

"Dude, what the hell?" Stan asked, looking up as the fire alarm went off.

**TBC**


	19. Oh My God They Killed...

### Cartman X Kyle XIX

"Hello Kyle," Cartman's voice came from behind the Jewish boy and he turned in surprise. His jaw dropped. Cartman was in full battle gear with war paint smeared across his face, holding gasoline filled water balloons. A flamethrower was at his side, and a Uzi was strapped to his back.

"DUDE! Cartman! What the HELL are you doing?" Stan snapped angrily.

"Well Stan, I'm burning the school down and everyone inside it," Cartman said simply, smiling.

"MMPH! MMPH MMPH MMPH MMPH MMPH!"

"Phht, whatever Kenny," Cartman rolled his eyes and threw a gasoline water balloon on Pip before sending a jet of flame on the poor little British boy.

"OH I SAY!" Pip screamed and ran out the cafeteria door.

"DUDE! Why the FUCK are you burning the school down?" Kyle screamed.

Cartman walked up to Kyle and got within inches from his face. Kyle found himself fighting to close to the distance and that was scaring the shit out of the little Jewish boy.

"Because Kyle," Cartman said quietly, "You don't want me. So if I can't have you… I'm eliminating the competition."

Kyle blinked, and then scowled. "WHAT?"

Cartman sighed, backing off a foot. "I thought about it long and hard and I realized that in order to make you like me, I have to get rid of every other option you have."

Kyle stared, as did Stan and Kenny.

"Mmph, mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph!" Kenny said frantically.

Cartman sighed. "Yes Kenny I know you're straight but Kyle might still fall for you given the option, so I have to kill everybody."

"DUDE! I'm not going to fall for Kenny!" Kyle snapped, "Besides, even if you DO kill everyone in school, I could easily just go to a different school and find more kids, how are you supposed to kill everyone in the world, in such a way that both of us remained alive?"

Cartman rolled his eyes and made irritated noises. "W-well, obviously I'd… well… urg, shut up Kyle and let me finish killing all our friends and classmates!" Cartman snapped, pushing Kyle out of the way and pulling his Uzi on Stan.

"CARTMAN!" Kyle screamed, but he wasn't the only one. Wendy ran into the cafeteria and leapt at the fat boy, tackling him to the ground.

"IF YOU LAY ONE FINGER ON MY STAN I'LL TEAR OFF YOUR PENIS AND SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT SO YOU CHOKE TO DEATH ON IT!" Wendy raged.

"Dude! Sick!" Stan gasped, finding Wendy beating on Cartman strangely attractive.

"Get OFF me BITCH!" Cartman screamed, pushing at the pink bereted girl and managed to flip her over. He pulled out one of his gasoline filled water balloons and burst it all over Wendy's hair. "THERE!"

"AAAAH!!!!" Wendy screamed.

"DUDE!" Stan yelled, "DON'T KILL MY GIRLFRIEND!" he jumped on Cartman's back as the fire alarm blared and flames spread around the room. Kyle noticed Cartman had dropped his Uzi.

"Cartman, get up and put the flamethrower DOWN," Kyle ordered calmly, cocking the Uzi at Cartman's fat ass. He was pretty sure that was the easiest target he had. The fat boy looked up at the gun wide eyed, and looked annoyed.

"Dude, you are so not going to shoot me," Cartman said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh yes I will, fat ass!" Kyle snapped.

"Oh no you won't! You're too much of a goody good!" Cartman snapped back.

"No I'm not! Wendy was right to begin with, you're pure evil and the only option is to kill you, and then I'll finally have no reason to be attracted to you anymore!" Kyle froze, "Not that I am… now… oh Christ." He slapped himself in the forehead.

Cartman blinked. "Wait… you're… attracted to me Kyle?" he smiled, "Really?"

Kyle twitched. "NO! Well, maybe, but it's just Stockholm Syndrome, when you're dead this will all go away!"

Cartman was still smiling. "You've actually really been in love with me all this time, I didn't need to burn the school down after all! Oh, I guess I should apologize to the 13 people I killed already" Cartman said stroking his double chin.

"CARTMAN! I am going to KILL you! I am NOT in love with you!"

Cartman smirked. "If you're going to kill me, then why haven't you done it yet?"

Kyle hesitated. "I-I'm getting to it!" he put his finger on the trigger and gulped, sweating a little, trying to ignore the idea of Cartman's head exploding, blood flying everywhere, never hearing his voice again…

"Kyle…" Stan said from the ground where Wendy was trying to comb the gasoline out of her hair before the flames reached them "It's… it's okay if you like Cartman. I won't think any differently about you for it, no one will."

"Mmph mmph mmph."

"Well, except for Kenny, but he's a douche bag."

"MMPH!"

"STAN! I DO NOT LOVE ERIC CARTMAN! Maybe… maybe I'm gay but I could fall for any guy, this is just Stockholm Syndrome!"

"Goddamn it Kyle!" Stan snapped, walking across the floor to Kyle and kissing him full on the lips.

"STAN!" Wendy gasped in horror.

"YOU BASTARD! I'LL KICK YOU SQUARE IN THE NUTS!" Cartman shouted in absolute fury.

Stan drew back and Kyle stared.

"Dude… what the hell was that?" Kyle twitched.

"Kyle, I am the person you spend all your time with. I am your best friend. If you are gay and should fall for anyone due to Stockholm Syndrome, it should be me. I think I realize now that even Wendy realized we are the most easy to pair together. I just kissed you. Did you feel anything at all?"

"I… well… no. I didn't," Kyle said raising an eyebrow "But Stan, I can't like you, that'd be sick. You're my best friend."

"Yeah well, did you feel anything when you kissed Cartman?"

"Well… kind of but… it was because of-"

"NO IT WASN'T! Kyle, killing Cartman now will only make you miserable because you are in LOVE with him!" Stan snapped, "Just admit it! You kissed me and felt nothing but did feel something when you kissed Cartman. You love Cartman. Admit it!"

"Yes Kyle, please admit it," Cartman said holding his hands together, making puppy dog eyes.

"Urg…" Kyle shifted the Uzi, "I-I…" he stared downwards. No… no it wasn't possible. He COULDN'T… it was just… impossible…

"At least put the gun down. Cartman isn't going to kill anyone else," Stan said looking at Cartman who nodded. Kyle liked him after all, no need to eliminate the competition.

"Fine, here Kenny," Kyle sighed, handing the gun to the poor boy, knowing that if nothing else he couldn't kill the fat boy. The Jewish boy faced the fat one and took a deep breath, looking closely at the fat boy's eyes. Maybe he… maybe he did… but… if he…

The flames reached higher.

"Geez, it's getting really hot in here," Wendy panted, taking off her beret and fanning herself with it, "Hey, speaking off which…" he got out her camera.

"WENDY!" Stan yelled.

"Cartman… Eric… maybe I… well-" he was cut off by a loud gun shot. All turned to see Kenny standing with the gun pointed towards him. However… he was perfectly fine. The back of the gun had exploded outward.

Kyle gasped and stumbled forward, falling to his knees.

"K-Kyle? KYLE!" Stan yelled.

"Oh my God!" Wendy squealed, camera rolling.

"WENDY!" Stan glared at his girlfriend.

"Mmph mmph mmph, mmph mmph mmph!" Kenny gasped.

"YOU BASTARD KENNY!" Cartman screamed, rushing towards Kyle and catching the red head just as he head fell towards the ground. "Kyle, Kyle stay with me you Jew rat bastard!" his eyes were wet, "Goddamn it Kyle! You can't fucking die on me! At least finish what you were going to say! Say you love me! SAY IT! SAY IT!" Cartman screamed, shaking Kyle's shoulders, but the boy simply lay in Cartman's arms. Blood pooled around them on the floor as Cartman tried again and again to rouse Kyle, draining from the boy's back. All the times Kyle had almost died, often by Cartman's hand or through his neglectance, Cartman had been happy to watch the boy die. But this time, after this past week, he knew he couldn't deal with that. After what Wendy had said, that day when he confronted her…

~~@~~

_"Cartman, I understand you're upset-"_

_"That's an understatement bitch!"_

_"But think about it, think about how happy you were when Kyle said those things to you. You liked it. Hell, you LOVED it. I've seen you looking at Kyle's butt, and all the time you spend fighting, all this proves you love each other! Kyle just doesn't quite get that he's supposed to yet, but if you try, I'm sure you can get him to actually be attracted to you. Don't you want that?"_

_"NO!"_

_"Yes you do! You freaking do you little bastard! Now admit it!"_

_"N-no, I don't… well… I…"_

_"You do," Wendy waved the pendulum back and forth._

_"I… do…"_

~~@~~

And there it was.

"KYLE! KYLE!" Cartman screamed in vain.

"Dude… he's gone," Stan said softly, feeling his insides go hollow as the flames raged around and the little Jewish boy stayed silent, forever.

**TBC**


	20. Oh Bugger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hell

### Cartman X Kyle XX

"NO! Kyle can't be dead!" Cartman wailed, hanging over the dead boy's body. Just then, a burning fluorescent light exploded near Kenny and just missed the poor little blond boy.

"Mmph, mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph!"

"Kenny's right, we have to get out of here! Come on Wendy," Stan said grabbing his girlfriend's hand and looked sadly at Kyle's body before jumping out the first story window. Kenny was about to follow when Cartman dragged him back.

"Mmph, mmph mmph mmph?!" Kenny asked angrily.

"Wait Kenny! You come back from the dead all the time! How do you do it?" Cartman asked, wide eyed and frantic.

"Mmph, mmh mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph."

"Oh I see… and where is this back door exactly?"

"Mmph, mmph mmph mmph… mmph?"

"Because I'm going to kill myself, save Kyle, and come back to earth" Cartman said with a smile.

"MMPH?!"

"And if you need to show me, then you're going down with me!" Cartman announced, pulling his Uzi on the parka boy.

"MMPH! MMPH MMPH MMMMM!" Kenny screamed angrily.

"Well we'll get him in 24 hours Kenny, don't be such as pussy," Cartman said rolling his eyes and firing at the poor blond boy. He fell in a mass of blood. Then Cartman, satisfied, aimed the gun at his own chubby face and soon three dead boys graced the burning cafeteria floor.

~~@~~

"Were those gunshots?" Wendy gasped from outside.

"I don't like this, if these firemen just keep using buckets of water like this then they're doomed! I'm going in to save them," Stan announced. Then the school exploded. They were both blown backwards into a snow drift.

"N-no…" Stan gasped, "Kyle, Kenny, Cartman… all of them… dead," he started to shake as Wendy touched him gently on the back.

"It's okay Stan, I'm sure you'll make new friends," she offered.

"You don't get it Wendy!" Stan cried with tear streaked eyes, "I've known those guys since pre school! I'm nine years old now, I can't just start over!"

"No… no I suppose not…" Wendy sighed as the two looked on into the cinders, all bodies therein charred to non-recognition.

~~@~~

"Wh-where am I? K-Kenny? Kyle?" Cartman asked hopefully as he stood in the midst of a great crowd of people. An old guy on a stage was saying something but he couldn't hear it seeing as he was standing far back in the crowd. Instead he searched the crowd for any sign of his friends. It was only when the crowd dispersed however that he saw Kenny at least, standing by the stage and waving down the fat boy.

"Mmph! Mmph mmph mmph mmphmmph!"

"Hey! Don't call me an asshole just cause I killed you Kenny, it's the only way to save Kyle!" Cartman snapped.

"Mmphmmphmmph," Kenny said, rolling his eyes.

"Okay, so now we just find Kyle and get out of hell within 24 hours! No problem, how big can hell be?" Cartman asked rhetorically.

~~@~~

Sixteen hours later, Cartman was getting a little freaked out.

"No! No, where's Kyle? Goddamn it!" Eric Cartman cried as he and Kenny stumbled through yet another 4-star Hell Hotel. No Kyle to be found.

"Mmph… mmph mmph mmph! Mmph mmph mmphmmph!" Kenny exclaimed.

"Ask Satan? Why would he know?" Cartman phhted.

"Mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph! Mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph!" Kenny snapped.

"Okay, do you know where he lives?" Cartman asked.

"Mmph," Kenny nodded and led the way.

~~@~~

Back in South Park, speedy reconstruction of the school by enslaved underpants gnomes led to Stan standing at his bus stop alone. He got on the bus, without even answering Mr. Hat's eerie silence and sat himself next to Wendy.

"Oh, hey Stan!" Butters said waving, "I'm awful sorry for your loss. They were my friends too, by golly."

"Shut up Butters," Stan sighed.

"O-oh, alright then," the little blond boy rubbed his knuckles together and looked down.

~~@~~

"Kyle Broflovski?" Satan said raising his eyebrows "Oh, is he that little Jew with red hair?"

"Yeah, he wears a green hat too, have you seen him?" Cartman asked eagerly.

"Yeah, I think he's hanging out with Damien actually," Satan said, pointing up the stairs in his house.

"Damien? Why does that sound familiar…" Cartman frowned, tapping his chin.

"Mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph"

"Oh yeah, he was in our class last year for a little while and his dad totally wrecked my birthday party! The asshole," Cartman muttered as Satan raised an eyebrow and gaped a little, "Well, let's go get Kyle then."

"Mmph," the two boys headed upstairs in Satan's house.

~~@~~

"I can't believe how popular Craig X Tweek is getting, I hear they even got a movie deal," Wendy commented as she and Stan passed Craig and Tweek signing autographs at recess.

"Yeah, but I think they're both there willingly so that probably helps it seem more real," Stan pointed out.

"Yeah I guess," Wendy sighed, "Anyway, to tell you the truth, I did the whole podcast thing originally because I wanted to stop Kyle form stealing you from me."

Stan nodded. "I kind of got that, Wendy. Well I guess he can't now…"

"Yeah, guess that's one good thing," Wendy nodded.

"WENDY!" Stan cried.

~~@~~

"So now I'm stuck here in hell and I'll never be able to tell… CARTMAN?" Kyle gasped as Cartman and Kenny entered Damien's room. It was rather gothic in style, but Damien and Kyle were sitting on Damien's bed eating chocolate chip cookies. Kyle seemed to be explaining to Damien how he had ended up dead.

"Kahl! We found you! Hey, are those chocolate chip cookies?" Cartman asked happily grabbing a cookie before tackling Kyle into a hug. The Jewish boy blinked, but smiled and hugged back.

"Cartman! I can't believe it, what, did Stan kill you or something?" Kyle asked, not surprised in the least to see Kenny so he didn't ask him.

"No! See, I killed Kenny-"

"You bastard!" Kyle gasped.

"Yeah, and then I killed myself so we could come to hell and rescue your fine Jew boy ass," Cartman explained, smirking at Kyle's violent blush.

Damien raised an eyebrow and said in his strangely high pitched voice, "Um, this is hell. There's no way to rescue someone from hell."

"Well Kenny gets out every day!" Cartman snapped.

"Mmph, mmph mmph!" Kenny said frantically.

"Seven hours is plenty of time Kenny," Cartman said, rolling his eyes.

"Seven hours for what?" Kyle asked as Cartman dug into the cookies with full force.

"Till we're stuck here forever," Cartman said, though it was muffled through cookies and he ending up blowing chunks of them on the Jewish boy who glared as he wiped them off. Cartman swallowed "I don't want things back to normal! I want you to-"

"Eric Cartman, I love you," Kyle smiled. Cartman froze, and his mouth worked silently for a few seconds before coming out with some nonsense syllables, "Yeah, I guess getting killed made me come to terms with it. I mean, if I end up in hell no matter what I do on Earth, as long as I'm not Mormon, then what's the real point of fighting it?" Kyle explained.

"Hell's not so bad anyway," Damien shrugged.

"Mmph, mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph."

Everyone laughed.

"Too true Kenny," Kyle snorted and turned back to Cartman, "But yeah. I do. I really hate your racist attitude and all your stupid money making schemes, but I still love you. I don't know why, but I do"

"Hmm, maybe Wendy hypnotized you too…" Cartman muttered.

"What was that?" Kyle asked with a slight frown.

"I-I said, I love you too Kahl!' Cartman said happily, and the two fell into a passionate kiss.

"Mmph mmph mmph!" Kenny shrieked, pulling his hood drawstrings.

"Well, technically they're in a room," Damien pointed out, "But you guys should hurry, how far is this 'back door' from here Kenny?"

"Mmph… mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph," Kenny said, frowning.

"Then I'll drive, come on you guys," Damien said, motioning for the group to follow him out of the house.

After they left, Pip came back from the bathroom wearing a French maid outfit.

"Alright Damien, I put on the… oh bugger, where did everybody go?"

**TBC**


	21. There's A Waiting Period

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so it ends... except for the sequel

### Cartman X Kyle XXI

Stan and Wendy walked home from the bus stop together. Stan felt totally lost with all his best friends killed off in one fell swoop, so Wendy was coming over to his house to comfort the raven-haired boy. Well, actually it seemed more that she was yammering about school.

"I wonder why Butters was spying on the Goth kids all recess," Wendy mused.

"Aw, who gives a crap," Stan muttered, kicking a rock on the side of the road.

"I mean, Butters must be-"

"Geez Wendy, please try to understand I have to deal with the death of my three best friends which happened, well, this morning!"

"But I thought men didn't like to discuss their feelings!" Wendy snapped.

"No, but we expect our girlfriends to drag it out of us, anyway!"

"Okay, then do you want to talk about it?" Wendy asked gently.

"NO! I'm fine!" Stan snapped.

"WHAT?! But you just said-"

"Yeah, and you're supposed to-"

"Aw FUCK this Stan! You're too needy!" Wendy snapped.

"H-huh?"

~~@~~

Damien pulled his dad's chariot up to a large spinning blue portal at the furthest reach of hell. An ugly old troll man was sitting next to it.

"Wow, would've thought I'd know about this," Damien said, raising an eyebrow at the huge spinning thing as they all got out of the chariot.

"Huh, yeah I guess," Kyle nodded, holding Cartman's hand. The fat boy still seemed incredibly amazed that the Jewish boy was showing willing affection for him, "So, let's go back to life!"

"No," the troll man croaked.

"Mmph? Mmph mmph mmph!"

"Yes Kenny, it's within 24 hours," the troll growled deep in his throat, "But only one may pass through this portal each day."

"Mmph?! Mmph mmph mmph mmph!"

"Yes, well for the past eight years you've been the only one to reach this place so I never had to tell you before."

"Wait, so only one of us gets out of here?" Kyle asked, looking at his two friends. There was silence.

"I think… it should be you Kahl," Cartman sighed, "You're the intelligent goody goody, they probably need you up there to cure cancer or something."

Kyle scowled, "Hey! Well what about you? You… uh… well… the world will be really boring if you're not there to fight with!"

"MMPH! MMPH MMPH MMPH!" Kenny yelled, waving his arms in anger.

"Well, you're apparently long past your expiration date anyway Kenny," Cartman pointed out.

"Mmph…"

"But Cartman, don't you see?" Kyle said, grabbing the fat boy's other hand as well and looking deeply into his eyes, "Both of us would be miserable without the other! Even before Wendy's podcast you saved me and my family from the smug storm in San Francisco. We need each other for rivalry, for insults, and now I guess for this," he kissed Cartman gently.

Cartman gulped. "W-well… so you think we should stay in hell together and just let Kenny go home?"

"Woo hoo!' Kenny cheered, and charged through the portal. There was a flash and the blue light went out.

"KENNY!" Kyle gasped, "You bastard!"

"Geez, that sucks," Cartman frowned.

"So now we're really stuck in hell together for eternity, never aging," Kyle breathed, no believing it, or hardly.

"Yeah," Cartman breathed as well. Then his piggy eyes widened, "WAIT! So we're nine forever? God, now we'll never get to make sweet love down by the fire!"

Kyle twitched. "Excuse me?"

"Wait!" Damien said suddenly, "There may be another way of out of hell."

"We'll take it!" Cartman said quickly.

"Well it could take a few months to deal with the invoices and forms, but we could send a request to God to see if you can get a life extension, I think Kenny had to do that once," Damian explained.

"So… then we can go back?" Kyle asked wide eyed.

"Yes, it should work, it'll just take a few months," Damian nodded.

"Sweet," Cartman grinned, and pulled Kyle into his arms. The red head didn't fight at all as he swept him into the best kiss of their lives.

And then back at Damien's house Cartman sucked Kyle's balls in the bathroom for several hours. They were both very satisfied as sweat ran down their bodies and they rubbed together in pure pleasure until Pip walked in to change his stockings and saw the two in the middle of this sexcapade. Then Damien came in, then Satan came in, called a camera crew, Kyle got pissed, Cartman started selling t-shirts and all was well in the world… or in hell anyway.

 

~~@~~

Kenny came into Stan's bedroom to see the raven haired boy standing on a stool with a noose around his neck.

"MMPH!"

"Kenny! Wendy broke up with me again!" Stan wailed.

"Mmph? Mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph?"

"She said I was too wimpy for her now!"

"Mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph," Kenny muttered and forced Stan down. After a long talk, the raven haired child of white trash parents agreed not to kill himself for now.

After another Kenny death, he was able to deliver the message to Stan that Kyle and Cartman would be back in a few months. Stan would look forward to that day.

**THE END**


End file.
